Be the Light

“I guess I’ve always been afraid of the dark. Darkness really brought upon anxiety and panic attacks.  I tried to wrap my head around why that was, I had an obsessive fear of darkness and being alone.  The first time I realized why was in 1st grade when I had reoccurring dreams of the abuse and harassment I faced during the ages of 4 or 5”

When she was 7 or 8, she once again faced abuse.  One of her father’s friend, a close friend of the family whom she called Uncle was sitting with her as her father was teaching a class in the next room.  She was a fun loving girl and told her Uncle “Let’s play!” but immediately regretted that decision.  Those were the same words the teen boys who abused her when she was younger used.  Her Uncle said “Ok let’s play” and she remembers him sitting next to her, telling her she can pretend to be the beautiful, hot girl at a hostess bar.  Being so young, she asked what a hostess bar is but he said nothing and put his hand too high up on her thigh.  At that moment she felt a little light die inside of her.  She didn’t want to tell anyone because she was afraid she’d get in trouble.

Even now, male figures who resemble him will immediately make her feel uncomfortable.  She’ll tense up and begin to panic. Even if men talk or look at her a certain way, even if their intent isn’t malicious, she feels anxious.

She never once resented or felt any type of negativity toward her perpetrators.  When she was younger, she called them her darknesses.  Instead she internalized her pain which turned into feeling of worthlessness and self esteem issues.  The rest of the world didn’t see that, they only saw the happy, bright, joyful little girl.  People around her constantly said she could light up any room she walked into.  Every time someone would compliment her, she just felt her light dim once more because she didn’t believe any of it.  She felt she had to put on this facade that she was this ray of light because that’s what was expected of her.

Throughout Elementary School, she pushed herself incredibly hard to be the light but as she became closer with her friends, she began showing a glimpse of darkness.  She never did this on purpose, she was unintentionally unkind to them at times.  She didn’t know how to be close to someone, it didn’t matter if it was male or female.  Being vulnerable and trusting others has always been a hurdle for her.

In 8th grade she had her first major panic attack.  The entire left side of her body went numb and she rolled down the stairs.  She couldn’t breathe, she felt as if her body had frozen and she lost control, crying hysterically

“I don’t remember details, but it left a huge imprint on my heart because I don’t remember how I got on my school bus to go home.   One of my girlfriends sat with me and consoled me.  I just remember my dad coming on the bus and he carried me off.  I just kept apologizing and my dad asked me what I was apologizing for, whether something happened at school and I just didn’t know.”

Even though she was about 12 years old, she still didn’t understand what she went through.

Other forms of darkness were revealed to her in the forms of a camp counselor, church leaders, a friend’s brother.  She experienced trauma at ages 14, 15, and 16.  She began to feel alone again.  She felt this extra pressure to continue to please everyone so it would never happen again.

At 18 years old, she and her group of friends were hanging out at their apartment.  She was in her room, trying to sleep and a friend of her friend came in.  He said he thought it was the bathroom and she jumped up.  Instead of leaving, he ran toward her, knocking her down.  Luckily, since she had been doing martial arts since the age of 3, she was able to defend herself and get out of that situation.

In college, at the age of 19, she had a stalker.  He was an acquaintance and, at the time, she didn’t view him as a stalker.  One thing he’d always do is wait for her outside of her classes even though he didn’t go to her school. One night he called her, pretending something had happened and that he needed somewhere to stay.  Since he always seemed nice to her, she said he could come to her place.  The moment she opened the door, she knew he was altered with drugs or alcohol.  He came at her and again, she was able to defend herself, pinning him to the ground.  It was just a whirlwind.  She left the apartment, locking him in and called a friend for help.  When this happened, she didn’t know why she had such a hard time calling the police but now knows it ties back to the light that dimmed inside of her.  She felt like she deserved this, like she was worthless.

“I felt like things like this just happened to me and I’m not deserving of help”

Moment of Realization

She was walking through the common areas at her school and there was a group hosting an awareness booth, talking about supporting victims of rape, abuse etc.  That was the moment she began to question her own experiences.

“Is everything I went through that? I really questioned it.  I had that first moment of oh my gosh, I’ve been a victim my whole life and I never knew it”.

She began attending their meetings but tried to not attract any attention.  She’d come in a few minutes late, leave a few minutes early, sitting quietly, remaining unnoticed.  After that, having been of a faith background, she felt led to share her story with “whoever God put in her heart to share with”.  She started sharing her experiences with close friends and mentor figures of hers.

It was a long process and still to this day a journey.  The people in her life who she chose to share her experiences with helped her see that it wasn’t her fault, that she didn’t have to live her life as a victim.

“For me, through meditation, prayer, church, friends, leaders, pastor, I was able to slowly realize that it’s ok that I didn’t resent and have anger and feel a certain way toward my predators, my darknesses, rather I have to heal within so I can move on in my life and really truly be the light.

Phase 1 and 2

From then on, she actively sought out counselors and therapists.  Unfortunately none of them stuck.  For her, she didn’t feel connected to her counselors because of the methods they used.  Spiritual healing, healing through her faith was what she desired.  This was phase 1 of darkness coming to light.

Phase 2 was her decision to move away from home.  She wanted to spread her wings to see if she could be the light somewhere else.  Looking back at this decision, she thinks she was trying to run away.  She thought it would be something different and refreshing, moving away from what she had experienced in the past.  She moved out to LA and entered an emotionally unstable relationship with a man that lasted for about a year and a half.  This tore apart any progress she had made on her journey to heal.

“He was blowing out the little candles that had been lit up in my heart again.  You know, darkness I don’t think comes only in the form of pure evil, but someone who is very manipulative.”

She fell into a heavy depression and she felt alone.  All of her friends and family were back home.  She’d think about her past experiences which pushed her deeper into depression and she even came close to committing suicide once.

“I guess when the devil is at his fullest power, so is God”

She was very grateful that she was able to find an amazing church family out in LA.  Even though they didn’t know her story, they were so uplifting and positive.  Their prayers went a long way and she was able to redeem her light again.

After that, she met the man who is currently her husband.  At the time they were just friends and eventually that grew into more.  Their relationship started out shaky.  She was still working on dealing with the emotional scars left over from her abuse and he was unfaithful to her.  She hit a wall and contemplated suicide once more.

One particular evening, she became very upset.

“It made me realize that it’s not only the darkness that put that upon me, but also obsessing over the fact that I was a victim without knowing.  No one knew about my pain.”

She began to cut herself off emotionally.  To protect herself, she decided to be cold hearted and not care anymore.  She wouldn’t cry and she held everything in, which created more problems than it solved.  One evening her then boyfriend (now husband) got into an intense fight and all of the sudden God, for her the holy spirit, pulled her back and she began to pray.

“He showed me what was not right with my soul because of my past.  My happy ending comes through faith and that Jesus is the light and I’ve always wanted to be a Christ-like person.  It’s what I aspire to be like to this day.  I’m slowly but surely igniting that light to the fullest potential knowing that it’s ok to have some darker days, knowing that I might not be fully healed and that’s ok.  I’m not just a victim, I’m fully redeemed, I can live in the light and not darkness”

Working with Her Husband

She believes part of the stress in the beginning of their relationship was her feeling of self.  She felt like she needed someone to be worth something, to fill the void she felt.  She’d find people who would tell her she’s beautiful or how awesome she was and she tried to find herself worth in that instead of her faith or herself.

“If you’re constantly seeking that in other people, it’s meaningful, but it’s also fluff because it won’t last”

She considered breaking up with her husband while they were dating due to his unfaithfulness.  She struggled with anger toward him.  They spent a lot of time having long conversations and were learning to speak each other’s love language.  Since they began as friends and developed a level of trust, they worked together to find that again.  They knew there were no shortcuts and it took hard work.  He is a kind hearted person who strayed for a while.  She says we all go through phases and he came to Christ through their relationship.

Healing

She is an innately positive person and she’s grateful to her parents for instilling that in her.  No matter how hard she dwelled on the negative in her life she was always able to pull herself out of it.  Her light was never fully dimmed.

Martial Arts was an incredibly positive part of her life.  It helped her manage her pain and protect herself.  She was constantly surrounded by positive people because of Martial Arts.

Her faith, prayer and her church were all also positive influences in her life.

Story Behind Her Words

She chose the phrase “Be the light” because it has been her life motto since junior high.  She was in a small Bible study group and the leader went around asking each person who is Jesus to you.  The first words that came into her head were “He is my light” and so from then on, “I wanted to be like Him and therefore I needed to be the light.”

The entire phrase translated from Korean is “be the ray of shining light where no light is present”.  On her left arm in the photo is the Korean translation of Be the Light to celebrate her heritage.

Advice

“This is easier said than done, but try your best to not give those darknesses too much power over you.  Again, easier said than done I know.  I came to this conclusion later in life.  Always find a positive outlet.  It’s ok to have bad days and allow yourself grace, but also you have to trust and learn to let love in again.  It’s ok to protect your heart and to always, I think, be ok with vulnerability.  I feel like vulnerability was a huge step for me in my healing process.  You don’t have to be chained to your past, like you guys say at WAR Chest*, rewrite your story”