Confidence

“I try to think back to when everything started as to what led me to entering an abusive relationship. I think back to when I was born.  I was adopted. I was 3 days old and I was set up as an adoption.  I’m glad that I was adopted, I have a wonderful adopted family.  My birth mother was 15 and our life would’ve been really difficult, but there are studies and things out there about how being adopted, even if you’re 3 days old, can have a lasting effect.”

As an adopted child, she always felt the need to please everyone, that she needed to constantly prove to her parents that she was worthy of them choosing her.  This lead her to have confidence and self-esteem trouble as she grew up.  She would agree with everyone just to avoid conflict and to be liked.

In college, she met someone who she thought she was going to marry. “When I look back, it wasn’t  a very healthy relationship.  I don’t know if it was necessarily abusive.” At that time in her life, everyone was getting married and she felt this pressure to do the same.  She pushed for a proposal.  Looking back, she sees she wasn’t confident enough to be on her own, as an individual.  She felt as though she needed a man to survive even though she was going to pharmacy school and had excellent career plans.  She felt like she needed a man to validate her.  

Their relationship was on again, off again.  He had proposed once and they eventually called off the wedding, but eventually they decided once more marry.  

The day before the wedding came and she was getting her nails done. “I was getting ready and I called him and he freaked out.  He said I steamrolled him into getting married and I remember him saying ‘oh you got your nails done, at least they’ll look nice if we don’t get married. So I called off the wedding because I didn’t think he’d show”

Her parents were very helpful and supportive.  The made all the phone calls to cancel everything as well as call all the guests.  It took her a while to recover from that moment in her life.  She thought that he’d come around and they’d get back together.  After this separation, he began to stalk her.  She moved and he found her house and he’d show up and park his car in front. Sometimes, he’d walk up to her house and even his mother would follow her home from work.  She began seeing someone else and her ex-fiancé found out who he was.

One day, late at night after she finished up work, she was at home and her ex entered her house.  He took her phone so she couldn’t call for help and blocked the door so she couldn’t leave.  At that moment she realized he probably wanted the engagement ring he had given her so she went to find it, giving it back to him, hoping that was all he wanted. That terrified her because she had no way to get out of that situation if he chose to do anything else.  She told her parents what happened and changed the locks of her house

“It’s weird.  You don’t think you’re being stalked but you look back and that was stalking”

6 Months Later (2007)

Jean began her job as a pharmacist and one day, one of her technicians noticed there was a nice looking man who lived in the same city as she did picking up prescriptions.  She was trying to set Jean up and told her to go over and say hi.  Eventually, he asked her out and at the beginning it was perfect. “He portrayed himself perfectly.  He told me on the first day all of the wonderful things he did.  He taught children in Korea how to speak English, he helped sail a boat for a wealthy man from L.A. to New York, he grew up in Thailand because he was in a military family….I’m trying to remember all of the things he told me.”

He would constantly compliment her as well, telling her she was the most wonderful woman he had ever dated and she loved it.  He’d drive out to see her and after he discovered she loved Frank Lloyd Wright, he booked a trip to his building in Wisconsin.  He seemed caring and attentive “basically he made himself out to be the perfect man”

About 6 months into their relationship, red flags began popping up.  He lost his job and told Jean he was laid off.  Eventually, she found out that he had been fired and he wasn’t making any effort to find a new job.  She felt bad and wanted to help so she asked if he wanted to move in with her.  He agreed and thi was a big deal for her parents, who were devout Catholics and didn’t agree with moving in before marriage.

“I think that was part of the reason I was susceptible to abuse.  My parents were wonderful but very strict.  You’re supposed to follow all the rules of no living together, no sex before marriage.  They never really discussed anything about healthy relationships, only don’t do this and don’t do that.”

He moved in with her and would tell her he was looking for a job, but she never say any evidence of that.  He’d come up with little side projects but never finish them or would promise things, but never follow through.  Once in awhile, he’d get a small part time job, but was fired.  He’s been out of work from that time to present (2007-2017).  Jean was fully supporting him.  

2009

They married in 2008 and in 2009 she gave birth to their daughter and that’s when the abuse increased.  Before her daughter was born, she was subjected to verbal abuse, he would get drunk and do inappropriate things in public but somehow, he’d always shift the blame back to her, making her believe she did something wrong, that she was at fault so she would apologize.  

“He would yell and accuse me of whatever, you know, like not having fun or not supporting him or ‘you used to drink too and it’s not fun anymore, you should let me have my down time’. He’d tell me there’s something wrong with me so I would end up apologizing.”

These behaviors only increased after their daughter was born.  She has postpartum anxiety and began taking medication.  “when you have a child, you’re exhausted and he didn’t help much”.  It was at this point, he began abusing opiates, taking the ones doctors prescribed her after childbirth.  He’d fill her prescriptions without her knowing.  Since he still didn’t have a job, he would stay at home with their daughter and promise he wouldn’t drink when he was watching her.  She didn’t want him to be impaired when he was home alone with her.  She’d come home at 10pm from work and h’ed be drunk.  When she called him on it, he’d blame it on her, saying he was stressed or that he hates his life because he doesn’t have a job.  

She remembers on fight when he wanted to go out for the weekend.  She told him that she needed help taking care of the baby and cleaning the house.  He would never clean the house even though he was the stay at home parent and she worked 40 hours a week.  He began screaming at her, how he was unable to take care of the baby and the house at the same time.  He said he needs time to himself and told her she was making it worse.  He told her she was making everything worse and that she needed therapy.  Once again, he convinced her that she was the problem and she began seeing a therapist.

She began to suggest daycare so that he could get a job but he would always refuse and become angry, saying he needed to stay home with their child.  Part of her knew that was just an excuse, he had everything paid for, he never had to do any housework and since they shared bank accounts he was able to buy anything he wanted no matter how ridiculous as well as scratch off tickets since he had a gambling problem.  

2013

They began to their separation.  She finally reached her limit, between the housework and not finding a job, he barely did the minimum when it came to taking care of their daughter.  They had mice and ants in their house due to the lack of cleanliness and she remembers when she’d get home at 10pm after a full day of work he’s often ask her “‘Can you please do the dishes because I don’t have time’.  When I would do the dishes and start the dishwasher he’d turn it off because the noise bothered him.  He was preventing me from doing the basics of keeping our household clean and he’d always tell me ‘I’ll do the housework when I feel like it.  I’ll do it whenever I want’”

He would also threaten to take their daughter away.  He’d constantly tell her he would leave and she’d never be able to find them again.  She tried to prevent the separation for as long as possible, asked to go to couples counseling and even sent him a letter sharing her feelings because she didn’t want to talk to him in person.  A friend of hers began seeking a divorce from her partner and that helped her make that choice.

He’d wake her up in the middle of the night, on purpose for no reason other than to disrupt her.  He’d call her a bitch, whore, a horrible mother.  “Like i said, it’s hard to remember the exact words but it got to the point where I couldn’t stay there.  It was legally my house but I had to leave.”

She lived with her parents and he stayed in the home they shared, even though it was her home that she had purchased before they were even together.  At that time they had a dog who was dying of cancer.  He stayed at the house with her husband because due to the dog’s health, they didn’t want to stress her out by moving her to another location.  Eventually she had to bring the dog to her parents house because her husband began stealing the dog’s pain medication.

On August 1, 2013, he was served the divorce papers and that’s when the threats increased.  He continued to refer to himself as the primary caregiver for their daughter even though he didn’t  do anything for her.  She remembers one day she got home and all of their daughters things were packed into his car and he told her he was leaving with their daughter, didn’t know when he would be back and refused to tell her where they were going.  He began screaming at her, yelling horrible things right in front of their daughter.  She tried to cover her ears so she didn’t hear them but that didn’t work.  She always hoped that since her daughter was young, she would remember these things.  He daughter goes to therapy now and said one time “She remembers daddy yelling at me.  Even at 4 years old, she remembers”

In Court

She struggled in the court system.  He was never physically violent with her or her daughter and she felt like the courts didn’t take the abuse she suffered seriously because of that.  They failed to acknowledge the harm that emotional and verbal abuse did to her as well as her daughter.  

Eventually, they came to a joint parenting agreement, which was 50/50.  She wasn’t happy with that decision, but at least that was something.  She was forced to pay his security deposit for his new place, alimony, and he also received half of her 401k, something he never contributed to.  She was only required to pay alimony for 2 years in which time he bought a house and a car even though he was still unemployed.  He often send her harassing emails and phone calls.  He’d gaslight her constantly.  He’d say he wanted  a certain weekend for a vacation or to do something with their daughter, so she would change her plans, once she rearranged an entire vacation and time off work, only to have him turn around and  say “I never told you that, I don’t have anything planned”

Last summer (2016) he showed up at a friends party, one that he was not invited to, for the sole purpose of antagonizing her.  He showed up with their daughter, completely drunk.  She had her friends act as witnesses in the court and they made him take a drug test.  At 11am, he had alcohol and marijuana in his system.  After that, they court required drug testing for some time and his test no longer showed any substance use.  They also put him temporarily on supervised visits.  

She also sought out an order of protection so he wouldn’t be able to contact her at her workplace or in general.  That was something she greatly appreciated, not being forced to communicate with him, though it did complicate certain aspects of their lives like school events for their daughter.    

Current (2017)

He’s back to unsupervised visits on Wednesday night and every other weekend.  While he is still drug tested, she’s afraid he’s somehow lying.

On of her greatest concerns is that currently, when her daughter stays with her ex, they share a bed.  Her daughter is 7 years old and needs her own space.  In addition, he takes her to different hotels during every parenting weekend that he has her.  This is very disruptive to a young child who needs continuity in her life.   They are working on proving that she doesn’t have her own bed to sleep in when she’s with her father to hopefully reinstate the supervised parenting time.

“I feel like the court system let me and my daughter down.”

Strategies

In order to cope with the after effects of her trauma, she uses a lot of breathing techniques.  She takes a few deep breaths to clear her head.  She still uses prescribed medicine to help her through her anxiety.

In regards to dealing with her ex, if he sends her an upsetting email she won’t respond right away.  She’ll take some time to think about her response.  Her first reaction is to respond emotionally.  Her current boyfriend suggested she write down everything she wants to say and then delete it.  After a day or two, write a clear, concise response.  

Advice

“The red flags, they’re going to show up and you may want to ignore them because you have a family or because you’re scared to be alone, but I think people need to be confident in themselves that they can get out of it, that there is support, there’s places like A Safe Place or maybe even through your employer.  My employer has a hotline you can call if you’re having difficulties with anything, work or your homelife and it’s free.  Finding people who have been through something similar, like going on a Facebook group or website that focuses on domestic abuse and just talking to other people about it. Basically just talking to people you know you can trust because the more you talk about it the more you’re able to digest it and get past it.”

Word

Her word is confidence and we took this photo at the Frank Lloyd house in Oak Park.

“I’m not quite sure when I started having a strong interest in Frank Lloyd Wright, I think it was in college.”  She went on a trip to visit her sister in Arizona and Wright’s house winter school is located there.  She decided to see it and found his architecture to be very calming.  “It’s so well structured and it just makes sense.  Everything is in it’s own place for a reason. “

Over the years she’s gone to many of his houses, including the ones located in Wisconsin and Oak Park.  At the time she filed for separation, it was a tumultuous time so she decided she needed to get away.  Over labor day weekend in 2013 she drove up to Falling Water in Pennsylvania, stayed there for 12 hours and drove home.  “Falling water is my favorite and the most well known.  The fact that it’s so incorporated into nature, it just feels good inside.  Since we can’t go to falling water, I thought Oak Park would be the next best place.”