Elation
14 years ago, at 28 years old, she met her ex-husband. They met in Paris and when she moved back to the USA, back to her home state of Illinois, he moved with her. At the time, it seemed so romantic. He was funny and charming, but she knew he had a bit of a mean side.
“I didn’t know how mean it was until later”
They were married in 2004. It started with verbal and emotional abuse. He’s play up her insecurities calling her old and ugly, saying he should be with someone younger than her. He would say slanderous things about and to her family, both her parents and her sister. He came from a very wealthy family in Spain and had a very machismo attitude. He’d mock her family’s income level and was incredibly cruel, calling her father a failure among other things.
“You wouldn’t even believe the things he said to my dad”
She remembers the first time he became physical with her. While he was angry, she saw the situation accelerating and then he crossed that line. He punched her in the arm. Even with that, she didn’t consider leaving him. The abuse was her secret, a secret that she didn’t enjoy and became more traumatized as the severity increased.
As he became more physical, he would bite her ear and squeeze her legs until they bruised. He’d get physical for the slightest little thing he thought she did wrong. She remembers one trip that began in Kentucky. She had spilled some sun tan lotion on the floor of his car. “I did that on accident. He screamed and screamed and screamed all the way from Kentucky to St. Louis. It was terrible”
Another moment she remembered was when he became angry with her and held her against the wall by her throat, choking her. That was the scariest thing he did and that happened twice, once before she was pregnant and once after she became pregnant in 2007.
When she became pregnant, his physicality became worse. “He was jealous of the fact that I was paying attention to our unborn child”. He abused her throughout her pregnancy, doing things like making her mow the lawn when she was very pregnant and making her work around dangerous fumes when they were doing work on their home.
One evening she was in the car and as they were driving through the city, they became lost in a sketchy west side neighborhood. It wasn’t her fault but he blamed her and he became furious yelling “I’m from Spain! You ruined my life!” He grabbed her fingers, threatening to break them. He yelled at her to get out of the car. She didn’t because she was afraid of the neighborhood “but I might have been safer if I did”
When their son was born, she hoped he would change. There were moments when he would be sweet and charming and that was the reason she’d stay. 2 weeks after her son was born, he was lying on their bed. She was getting ready to pick him up to bring him downstairs to see his grandmother. Before she was able to pick him up, her ex-husband made a fist, threatening to punch her and that was the moment she knew it would never change. He had threatened to hit her as their sleeping child lay beneath them.
They separated in 2008 and the divorce was finalized in 2009. She was awarded full custody of their son. In order for joint custody, the judge required her husband to attend anger management and parenting classes, however, due to his pride, he refused and therefore lost custody completely. He rarely attempted to communicate with his son, including special moments like birthday’s and holidays. He became very mysterious about his whereabouts and moved out of state. He was ordered to pay child support which he didn’t always pay.
After Effects
When she was pregnant with her son, she developed hives. At first, she had absolutely no idea what they were. She went to a dermatologist for fear they were cancer. The doctor told her those were hives from stress, the stress she was experiencing because of her ex-husband. Even now, they haven’t faded completely.
She recalls one very intense panic attack. In the spring of 2015, she contacted her lawyers to change her son’s last name and remove her ex-husband’s name. She didn’t think her ex-husband would care and she thought he would even be happy. She was required to reach out to him to let him know this was being done. After she reached out to him, she was told that he had hired an attorney and they had to go to court.
He had his attorney represent him in court and never appeared himself. The reason he took her to court was that he wanted lower child support, even though he wasn’t paying it, and he wanted the police supervision visitation requirement removed.
The judge ruled that the name change would happen unless he made a reasonable effort to see his son. December 2015 he decided to meet his child for the first time since his son was a year old. The police came, picked up her son and brought him to see his father. Then her ex-husband flew back to wherever he was living at the time.
On July 21st it was determined that they would settle because he was served a deposition and would rather settle than tell the truth. He was required to pay the back due child support and the name would not be changed. She didn’t think that he would attend this court date since he hadn’t attended the others, but her lawyer informed her that he was going to be there in person.
All she could think was “Oh my God, I’m going to see this person again.”
One of the fears that came back to her at this moment was the fear of him shooting her in the head. She was afraid that if he had the opportunity, he would take her life.
The night after the court date, he began stalking her house. She called 911 and she and her son had to stay in a hotel.
“When I learned he was going to be there and I had to see him under such contentious circumstances, I had a panic attack. I was crying and it all came back to me. At that point, it was obvious that part of this is going to stay with me long term”
Even now, after time has passed, memories and fears come back to her when she talks about her story
For the first year and a half it was very hard and she was in denial about being brainwashed, even though her friends and family tried to tell this to her as gently as possible. “It’s very nice to be myself again”.
When she sees red flags while dating, she ends it right there. “It’s awesome, I cut it off right away and I feel great! I’m never going to subject myself to that again. I have my son, family, friends, work…that’s a really good feeling.”
Advice for Other Survivors
“Don’t dismiss the abuse or the abusive words they say about your family and think of that as normal or something to brush aside. I just sort of accepted it. I saw the signs early on with him demeaning and criticizing my family, and I just dealt with it. Because we have our son I was glad I stayed obviously. Before I was pregnant if I had recognized the signs, I would’ve left.”
Talking to her Son
Her son knows there was both emotional and physical abuse as well as how his grandparents were also about the abuse, but not specifics. She has shared these details because she knows he should know, especially because he needed a police escort to see his father in December and the police had to come when they were being stalked by her ex-husband after their court case.
“I made a mistake once when before the visitation in December of 2015, that one time he saw his father in 8 years. I made the mistake of telling him that he tried to kill me once which isn’t good to tell an 8 year old, so I never said that again. Fortunately he’s a very well adjusted, sharp kid. He’s very happy and sociable and he’s very empathetic. I don’t mean with me, but in general with everybody, so I don’t think I did any damage. I think if I continued that talk, I might have but I didn’t and it was one mistake. When he’s older, when he’s an adult, if he wants to know specifics, I’ll share that.”
She remembers a moment when her son was an infant. In 2007, just two weeks after her son was born, his father went for a vacation back in Spain for a few months. She was staying with her parents and had to go back to their house. She brought her son with. As soon as she entered the house and her son began screaming in a way that neither she nor her parents had ever heard before. He had only spent a short time without his father but it was almost like, in his own way, he knew there was something wrong. “I believe those 2 weeks of life there were horrible vibes and it impact an infant’s brain. He was recognizing there was a problem and that was an indication of what my son would grow up around”
His uncle plays a huge part in his life and has become a father figure to him. He lives close by and comes over often. Her son has a wonderful community in school and is a happy and fulfilled boy. “He’s just doing beautifully. I’m so proud of him”
The Significance Behind Her Word
“I choose it because I was so careful at first. It’s not me being a controlling parents and not wanting to have a relationship with his father, but given who his father is. I’m elated my sweet little child is happy and healthy and that’s all I want. I want a lot of things, but that’s a big thing, I’m just happy, I’m just elated”