Fearless

October 13, 2010

He swept her off her feet at 16 years old. “He was the first guy I ever dated. It was kinda whimsical,” just like a romance movie.  That fairytale quickly changed and after 2 months red flags began to appear.  He would tell her how he lied to her about when they first met, about what he did in his free time, who he hung out with–little things, but still lies.

“On February 6, 2011 he raped me”

“I just lay there the entire time, crying” and he told her she was pathetic.  The next day she told her mom, but she didn’t call it rape. “I don’t know why I didn’t call it rape, I just don’t know”.

She wanted to leave but every time she tried, he knew exactly what to say to keep her there.  “You’re too fat.  No one will want you,” “You’re not pretty enough,” or he’d insult her friends and family.  He’d tell her that because of the rape she was damaged, “used goods” that no one would ever want.  He even found ways to push her friends away, messaging them on Facebook, telling them to stay away from her, sometimes threatening to hurt them or hurt her.   When they went on a break, he continuously called her to check in on her, show up at her work, leave her uncomfortable messages and threaten suicide if she didn’t return. Even his family pleaded with her to stay. “You’re the only thing that can help him,” they told her, so she returned again.  There seemed as though there was no way she could escape his control.

“I lost a lot of friends, but the true one stuck by me”

2012

A year and a half later, her mom had cancer and had to have emergency surgery.  That same day, he had called her to break up with her just so he could talk to another girl at a party.  After the party, he called her back with his typical sob story to get her back and when she said no, he showed up at her house.  It was the first time he had gotten physical with her, getting up in her face, grabbing her.

From that point on, she began to distance herself from her family and friends as they began to notice the bruises he left behind.  He became the center of her life. She was losing weight and acting strange as he became increasingly physical and began forcing himself on her more often.  Each time, she would cry or just lay there.  “If I just layed there, nothing would happen”.

She graduated high school, but chose a college close by because of him even though they weren’t seeing each other at the time.  He’d still exert control over her, calling her and demanding to see her.  When she agreed to meet him one time, he angrily threw her down the stairs for failing to pick a movie.

At this point in their relationship, she knew he was drinking heavily, doing drugs and cheating on her.  He made all the decisions for her, even simple things like picking out her clothing, throwing out the pieces he didn’t like.  He was taking her money too.

“It was always his voice, I didn’t have my own voice, even my opinions where his, everything.”

He left for a year.  She began getting treatment and moving on, seeing someone new.  That all ended abruptly as soon as he came home again.  They agreed to be friends considering that they still maintained mutual friends from high school.

September 1, 2014

Peace didn’t last long as he started becoming physical again.  He broke into her Facebook, messaging friends and the man she was seeing at the time, threatening them.  They were at a party together where she fell asleep waking up to him forcing himself on her.  This time she went to the hospital.

This was it.  She finally decided to tell her parents everything but went to his house to get her things.  He was furious, slapping her, throwing her across the room, getting on top of her, beating her badly.  His parents and grandparents were in the next room, they heard everything and his mom saw everything as she watched from the stairs, but they didn’t even try to stop him.

“They didn’t do anything”

She had bruises on her arms and legs, rug burn on her back when she returned to her home and told her parents everything. She didn’t want to file charges in court because she was terrified, she didn’t want to see him again in court.  Her parents were supportive; they took care of everything telling his mother if he ever contacted her again, they had photos and will take them to court.

Even though his number was blocked, on October 12, 2014, her phone rang when she was out with her dad from a number she didn’t recognize.  She answered it and when she heard his voice, hung up immediately.  He kept calling and her dad told her to answer it.  He was apologizing again and she told him “Nice to hear from you, but I’m sorry.  I’ve moved on.  I’m in a better place.  I’m healthy spiritually, mentally and physically.  I have a boyfriend and I hope you find the happiness I have”.  He told her it was a mistake and she said don’t contact me again.

After the Abuse

She began EMDR, treatment for those with PTSD.  She struggled with night terrors, anxiety, and triggers–she couldn’t keep food down and anything new terrified her.  Her nightmares consisted of old memories where she’d re-live the pain and fear as a spectator, not the victim.  “It was like I was watching them, like watching a movie”.  When she’d have triggers, she’d shake uncontrollably.

She had to get rid of all her bedding, sheets, everything because of the memories associated with them.  She went with her mom to Target to go shopping for everything she could possible need for her dorm room.  In the middle of Target, she broke down in tears and panicked because she never had to make a choice before, he always did that for her.  She felt embarrassed that it happened in public.

She began to cut herself off from friends that still associated with her abuser.  She blocked them on Facebook and blocked their phone numbers.

October 23, 2015

Fearless is currently in the process of changing her phone number.  Her abuser came back into town and tries to call her from websites that generate untraceable phone numbers.  She’s not afraid anymore.  She’s seen him around town a few times and it no longer bothers her, she just walks by.  Her night terrors lasted until December 2014.  She’ll still have them once in awhile, but knows how to control them, to remind herself it’s just a dream.

It was hard to let people back in, hard for her to trust again.  Fearless’ current boyfriend is incredibly supportive, nothing phases him.  If she has a night terror, he wakes her up and works through it with her.  He knows the exercises she needs to do to stay in control.  “He’s my rock, literally my rock.”  On their first date he didn’t even try to kiss her.  She smiles and laughs as she remembers that second date. “We watched a movie, but he made sure his roommates were home, the door was open and he barely put his arm around me. It was actually really funny.”   He respects her boundaries without questioning them.  “He’s always waiting with me.”

“I’m really good at making choices now. I love it!” She grins as she tells me she loves doing makeup and hair, things she would never consider doing before. She even acts as a stylist for her friends, picking out outfits and loves choosing her own.

Fearless is back doing her sport, cheerleading, something she was never allowed to do before.  Her abuser would yell at her, say he didn’t want to date a slut or whore and he destroyed her old uniform.  Last year was when she decided to go for it and put all that negativity behind her.  She signed up, tried out and made the team, which is now like her family.  She couldn’t be happier.  “It’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.”

Fearless decided to study abroad, another decision that was always forbidden.   The experience showed her that she could handle herself, that she was capable of anything.  She navigated strange cities, where street signs were in different languages and she did it all by herself.  She loved talking to new people.  “The entire experience was breathtaking. I felt fearless.”

Her relationship with her family has never been better.  During the abuse, the relationship with her mom suffered.  They constantly fought and she’d get mad over the littlest things.  After she started therapy, everything began to fall back into place.  Her mom, dad and brother were very open with her and helped her immensely.

Final Thoughts

“That’s why I love sharing my story now. It’s weird to say this but I don’t regret a thing. It’s something that’s helped me evolve into who I am and has taught me so much about myself, about what I am worth, what I deserve, and has taught me about the world females unfortunately live in. In regards to my PTSD, my one thing is that it’s hard, it truly is.  You know it gets scary having a sleepover or sharing a room or even a bed with a new partner because I was afraid my night terrors would happen and [I thought,] what they would think?

It’s understandable because of what you’ve been through. You aren’t weak. This is something your body is doing to get over what it has been through. It’s weird but I used my PTSD as a stepping stone, like a countdown. First by noticing my flinching went away, I became more open to people hugging or touching me. I started sleeping through the night more. My panic attacks went away. So my advice is let the process happen and don’t see it as a negative. I have been through treatment and it’s been a year now but I still have night terrors or shake when I get anxious. Overall I’ve gone through a lot and overcome even more. Just take it a day at a time. It’ll all be worth it in the end.

One thing I want to say is that you should use all the resources you can. Whether it’s professional, your family or even a journal! It’s not good to bottle it in [because] that only makes the PTSD stable, you need to release it. I was ashamed and scared to tell my family but when I did, that support system helped me get to where I am today and I am so happy. My friend was in an abusive relationship and she was afraid to come to her family so she came to me and we were able to work it out together.  She left the relationship and ended up asking me to help her tell her parents and get the help she needed. So don’t be ashamed, use those resources.”