Finding Me/Self Love
Finding Me & Self Love
“My parents separated, my mother kicked my father and I out. We were homeless for some time.”
“They had an interesting relationship. One minute they were so in love and the next they could not bare to look at one another. As an adult now looking back, I feel like they both took out their hurts and pains on each other from previous life experiences. My mother was abused as a child, my father was controlled and neglected, and also shunned because he was so much more different from the other children.”
Growing up into adults they both welcomed unhealthy relationships. Her mother was married prior to meeting her sister’s father, and then of course after her sister’s father came her father. “I don’t ever recall my father putting his hands on my mother or being verbally abusive either. Not making my father like a hero or the knight in shining armour just sharing what I was told and witnessed with my own eyes.” Both of her mother’s partners prior to her father abused her mother. “To me that’s where the abuse started. What we tolerate is in our genetic make-up and we pass it down to our children, so be mindful of the ways you show yourself love.” She witnessed both of her parents emotionally abusing each other prior to their separation.
With her siblings having different fathers there were periods in her life where she and her siblings did not live together. Her mother is caucasian, her and her sister were not liked much by her mother’s side of the family due to the color of their skin. During the moments she had to be without her siblings taught her to be used to being alone and not having anyone to turn to. Not having a support system.
Her father moved back to his home state of Mississippi and being a daddy’s girl, she followed. Moving to Mississippi only nurtured more loneliness and isolation within. They lived in a predominantly black town and she was if not the only light skinned person she was one of few. Never appealing to many people there she began hiding and isolating herself away from others. When they moved she was in middle school, she met a young man. She didn’t know anyone as her primary family and friends were back in Illinois so he became her protector, someone she could rely on. He left for a time and she made friends with a girl who she didn’t know was his sister. When he returned and discovered they were related, she became closer to him.
Eventually they began dating at the age of 16 and everything started out great. They both had a history of things that had happened to them during their childhood and it was how they related to each other.
“It was a pain recognizes pain relationship.”
In 11th or 12th grade, she began seeing some red flags. “As a child, you don’t know what to do or notice these things. I thought it was just a phase or a moment that you go through as a teenager in a relationship.”
She was accepted into Texas Southern University very excited about it she had plans for herself and her future. After she graduated high school, she left him and her father. She went back to Illinois for the summer and to work a summer job. He stayed in Mississippi later going to Arkansas to finish truck driving school and once he graduated that, he followed her. She lived with her sister momentarily, that’s where he visited her. Once he came to Illinois she began witnessing more abuse, her sister was being physically abused by her husband. Seeing this she pushed to encourage her sister to leave her husband because of the abuse.
Feeling more like both of their lives were in danger and her sister not wanting to actually leave, she left her sister’s place and moved in with her uncle on her father’s side. Her abuser moved in with his uncle on his father’s side. Introducing each other to family members came and her uncle never took kindly to him. He informed her of that from the very beginning. His family on the other hand loved her and wondered why she was with him. Her abuser’s aunt told her aunt that “she always felt like he was holding her back from living life.”
It was getting close to her departure for Texas and the one thing that held her back was paying for a place to live. No matter how hard she worked and how much she saved there just wasn’t enough and no one helped. When asked they all said no they couldn’t help her. She missed out on her then “ golden opportunity, her future.”
She remained living with her uncle and aunt, she found a better paying job versus working at a shoe store. She held her first real 9-5, granted it was a second shift job, but it paid the bills. She remembered coming home one day and seeing the classified ad of a newspaper lying on her bed when she walked into her room. Automatically she knew what that meant, he wanted her to get a job and he wasn’t taking no for an answer. Her uncle came from a family that worked hard all of the time. There was no way she would NOT do the same. “ShadyTale! WakeUP! The Early Bird Catches The Worm!” That was the knock on her door she will never forget. That was what her uncle calling her and that was him knocking on the door to get her up and get her going to find that 9-5 she got. Madder than mad because no recent high-school graduate wants to be startled out of their sleep to that in the middle of summer. But thankful for that to this very moment because it instilled more drive and ambition than she had before.
It came to point where her uncle wasn’t happy with her path in life. She was working a very good job, but not going to school, with a man that he didn’t approve of just to name a few of his dislikes. Her uncle’s wife told her that he felt as though she had threw “a bucket of shit in his face”. That hurt her because she loved her uncle and looked at him as a father. Not wanting to further disappoint her uncle and not understanding where or what more he expected of her, she decided to leave. Moving in with her abuser and his uncle and aunt seemed concerned, but it was better than feeling like people weren’t happy with you.
The controlling abuse started here, she was never able to drive her own vehicle. He dropped her off and picked her up for work on a daily basis. To her since, she didn’t have a license, it made sense for him to chauffer her around. Even though she felt suspicious inside, she trusted him.
November 2001
The two of them began to plan for a trip home in Mississippi to visit family for the Thanksgiving Holiday. He wasn’t working even though he thought he was fooling her uncle to think he was working, so of course the trip was funded by her.
One of her friends that she had met through her sister went with them on the trip to Mississippi. This was the first time he physically and verbally abused her in a way she was able to recognize it as abuse. It was snowing as they were leaving the state of Illinois and she had asked him to slow down. He seemed to have felt that she was telling him what to do and begin yelling at her. grabbing her hand and bending it. The only thing she remembers is him telling her to “Shut the fuck up.” It transpired in front of her friend who was like a younger sister to her. To this day she feels that she had a part to play in her then friend allowing abuse to become a part of her life.
After the trip to Mississippi she found out she was pregnant with her first beautiful daughter and didn’t want her child to grow up with separated parents as she did, so she stayed with him. Hiding her pregnancy from their family members out of shame. She wanted to make sure that her child had a better life and a place of her own to call home. She started looking for apartments and not knowing what to do, she listened to her abuser and they moved in a sleeping room together. Had she known that a sleeping room was equivalent to paying for an actual apartment she would have followed her gut and kept searching. The baby was not waiting so she had to take what they were able to get as soon as possible.
A month after their first daughter was born, they moved into a one bedroom apartment. She was still on maternity leave but soon to go back to work she got sick and was experiencing a drawn out asthma attack. He thought she had a cold and didn’t want to take her to the emergency room. She went for days not being able to breathe so she asked him to at least take her to her sister’s so she could use her nephew’s nebulizer.
Eventually her sister took her to the emergency room to find out she was incredibly ill. Being admitted, she called her abuser to come and get their daughter because she was not able to stay with her in the hospital. When he arrived, he questioned why she was in the hospital. He doubted her attack was as serious as they stated it to be. “The worst thing about this experience was he never came to see me, or visit her once I was admitted.” She asked him to come visit and to bring their daughter. He brought her in a onesie, a receiving blanket, with half a bottle and one diaper. It was October in Illinois, to cold for that attire for a baby, let alone an adult. “That allowed me to see the way he valued my life and our daughter’s well-being. We didn’t matter to him.”
He became possessive and even more controlling, constantly asking who she was talking to, who she was with whenever she was away from him, demanding she tell him or he would not allow her to see them. His behavior was steadily getting worse, affecting all aspects of her life. “His verbal abuse impacted every part of my life, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, everything”. She became pregnant with her second daughter and once again, his behavior worsened. She did admit to cheating on him, it was her way to escape the pain and torture. To dream of having a happy and loving life in the future. He began to lock her in the house so she wouldn’t be able to go anywhere without him, claiming it was the only way he’d know if she was safe. He was still the only one with a license at that time so he drove her car, taking her to and from work. She was the breadwinner, but he controlled everything in her life. “I guess it was a princess in a dungeon type of life”.
After she gave birth to her son, things began turning physical. She remembers coming home from work one day a little later than normal. He demanded to know why she was home late. A man at her job offered to pay for some gas so she could get home as she was waiting on her paycheck. He became angrier. At this time, her still did not work and his brother, who had 4 children and their mother living with them as well, did not work, so she was the only one bringing money into their household. She told him that and before she knew it he rushed up and began to choke her with her son underneath her. The only thing she remembers thinking is that her son was under her. “I didn’t want my son to die underneath me.”
She lived in Naperville at the time and didn’t want to call the police because she didn’t want to lose their home due to domestic violence, which was prohibited. She was afraid her and her children would be put out onto the streets and she didn’t want them to experience that. At the time, she didn’t think of contacting shelters as her only focus was trying to keep her children safe and comfortable in their own home. She decided to keep pushing forward. They moved closer to her job. He continued to be physical with her, pushing and shoving.
She tried to pay attention to his behavior to avoid getting harmed or killed by him, to keep herself safe as well as her children. She always made sure they were comfortable, with a roof over their heads and food on the table, clothes on their back, and outings to her sister’s or the park whenever possible. When times would get better she had hope for their future, the hope she dreamed of when she cheated in the past. Having her first and only son born with a heart condition distracted their focus from the things that created the abuse in their relationship.
February 29, 2008
Seeing her son survive 2 heart surgeries by the age of 3, still being alive and both of them working she felt like life was finally beginning to become better. She felt like it was time for a new start as a family. February 29, 2008 Leap year they got married in their living room. “I remember when the pastor instructed me to say “I Do.” I could feel the knot in my throat form, and my thoughts, begin racing. All I remember telling myself is to say “I Don’t.” But that felt like fear of failure versus warning she was never a person to give up so she swallowed the choke, released her tears. With lack of discernment and still questioning herself she said, “I Do.”
“The part that really pushed me the most, to know it’s time to go was seeing him almost beat my brother to death. After seeing that, it wasn’t just in front of me that he did that, our children saw. If he could do that to my brother, he would have no problem doing that to me at all and if he could do it in front of our children, it wouldn't be a problem for him to do that to me in front of our children.”
There was one time before this final fight that she stood in between her brother and abuser because they were about to fight. Her brother lived with them to babysit while they both worked.
After he attacked her brother, he told her that she was going to make him kill someone. She asked him if he was talking about her and he didn’t answer, just stared at her. That day she started looking to find a way out. “Before this, I was looking for someone to save me rather than saving myself. When people did try to help, I said no. I felt like they would always hold that over my head. It felt like control and I didn’t want to experience more than what I was already allowing.”
November 1, 2008
Her children were homeschooled as her husband didn’t want them attending public school. While there were benefits to homeschooling, this was their first day in public school and she saw the benefits for them to see the world through other points of view. This was her first day at Mutual Ground in Aurora. She met with a counselor who guaranteed her a spot for 90 days. She had lost her job by testing positive for marijuana during a random drug test prior to him beating her brother and her leaving him.
She felt stronger after she left. Since they were married, both of their names were on their financial documents, so she took the bank card and the check book. At this point in their lives, he was her main means of financial stability, so she had to take assistance from the state. She was able to secure a low income apartment and was doing well on her own. When her children would visit her husband, she would stay over night there because she didn’t want her kids to be alone with him.
He would spend most of his time smoking and drinking. That was one of the only ways they could connect throughout their relationship turned marriage. One of the only ways to keep him from hurting her, was to make sure he was always high and had some type of strong beer to.
One day when they were walking up the stairs to her low-income apartment that he had recently learned of, her eldest child who was 7 at the time, smacked her husband on the butt and told him that he could only live with them if he stopped smoking and drinking. It broke her heart to hear her daughter say something like that. Eventually, she did allow him to move back in with them. Her oldest wanted to give daddy one last chance. She also put divorce papers in motion during her time at the battered women and children’s shelter. Mutual Ground had put her on a wait list to process these papers, which frustrated her as she wanted it to happen immediately, but “it was meant to happen the way it happened for safety concerns.” He would always tell her that he could never live in the same vicinity as her because he couldn’t bare to see her happy with someone else. There was no way for her to distance herself from him and part of the reason was that she was just not ready to leave yet, things weren’t the way they should be in her eyes. She was also afraid that he would attempt to sabotage any future healthy relationship she had by terrorizing her.
She started taking an interest in Islam and “I think that was a major breakthrough on a lot of different terms. It was mental, physical and spiritual. It gave me a place to be safe and feel ok being me. Most people think it’s a bad thing, but it isn’t. Once you get into it and the culture, it has a way of taking hold of you and showing you yourself and healthy relationships.” Islam put her in a spiritual mindset of knowing who she is and what her worth is as a woman.
It was Ramadan and one part of Ramadan is to abstain from food, water and sex from sun up to sundown. This was an intense introduction to Islam, but she was ready to take it on. It taught her about those who had less than her and devotion. Her husband wanted sex during the day to which she told him no. If she was going to practice Islam, she was going to do it correctly. He infuriated and began to quote the Bible and Quran, using quotes about how a woman was supposed to obey her man, telling her God doesn’t like a woman who doesn’t listen. These comments hurt her deeply and at this time she ended up giving into his wishes.
Eventually, abstaining from sex in her life became a daily practice not just during Ramadan. He hated that decision and would tell her “If you’re not fucking me who are you fucking”. She told him this isn’t about him or anyone else, this is about her and if he couldn’t respect that, that’s his problem. She found immense power in being able to make that statement as it was the first time she was able to quiet him and he didn’t fight back.
“I took back my power, I took back my love, I took back Me.”
When her kids came home from school and she came home from work, all four of them would sit in the bathroom as that was their only place of privacy and solace. Her husband wouldn’t allow the kids to go outside or play with anyone in the neighborhood. They’d talk about their day and share with each other. Laughing, crying, and holding each other, listening and comforting each other through the same pain they grew together through the bathroom breaks.
Loving Herself
She remembers the first time in 27 years she was able to tell herself that she loved herself. “It was a very strong spiritual breakthrough for me”. She was in the shower reflecting on her life, having one of those conversation we all do. She started thinking about what she wanted to do for herself, how she wanted to better herself, to be at peace inside with the good and the bad. When her husband would talk about how he wanted to live with her forever and she would just nod along, knowing that wasn’t at all what she wanted.
“I’d just wanted him to die in sleep because that’s the only way I felt like I’d get rid of him. I never really wanted to hurt him and most people say that’s crazy because he tried to kill me.” She was never able to be herself as she felt trapped with her husband. She spoke to God in the shower asking who she is supposed to be. “I remember looking in the mirror and finding my first grey hair, like a shiny silver hair. I looked in the mirror and asked who Shantay was. Who is she? I didn’t know because I was living a life for my children and for him. I was living a life for everyone but me.” She began to cry and she told herself that she loved herself. That was the birth of her allowing herself to find herself, to love herself and be happy doing it.
The Final Goodbye
For a long while, she had planned how she would leave him, if the events lined up. Eventually they did. They were headed back to Mississippi for a family reunion with her family and his and that’s where she was going to leave him. They all piled in the car and headed to Mississippi. She tried to drive straight there as she was so anxious about if she’d be able to carry out her plan. They only stopped to get gas and hopped right back in the car to continue on their way.
Normally when they would visit, they would stay at his family’s house, but this time she stayed with her dad, away from him. The divorce was still being processed and yes, he knew about it. The first day they were with his family, the second with hers for the reunion he he came but he hated being around her family. The third day she didn’t include him with the family events.
She was running through the plan in her head. If she left him there at least he’d be with family, not homeless or without any necessities but at the same time, he wouldn’t be anywhere close to Illinois. She was concerned how she would be able to handle everything back at home. Her family was getting more reluctant to help as she had gone to them, asking for money, money which was used to supply his alcohol and weed habits to keep him docile and protect herself. She doesn’t blame her family for slowly pushing away. She also almost lost her best friend for this same reason. She was worried she wouldn’t have anyone to pick the kids up from school while she was at work, she was use to him and being alone without family, but she knew she had to leave him this time.
Their final day came when she saw some of her family members packing up their vehicles. She wanted to drive back to Illinois with someone as her kids couldn’t help her drive. She saw her Uncle packing and asked when he was going to leave. He said 10 minutes. She flew through the house packing all their belongings in garbage bags, not even worrying about suitcases. Everything was mixed together, dirty laundry in with the clean, shoes in with the clothes and she tossed it into the trunk. The hardest part was when her eldest daughter came out with her dad’s bag and she had to tell her that Daddy wasn’t coming with them this time. Her daughter cried all the way home.
Once they left, it downpoured. As they were passing the Mississippi state line she remembers her sister asking if she was okay. She said, “Yes, I just wish God would make it stop raining for one second.” It to stop raining for one second as they went under a bridge. They began laughing with each other as if it was some funny joke, finally feeling a weight begin to lift off of her. Her ex husband didn’t know they were on their way back to Illinois so he called her asking where she was and she just stalled him. She told him they were going out to eat, that they had to grab gas. It was the longest 15 hour ride of her life, because it should have only taken 12 at the max.
His calls stopped as it got late into the night during their ride home. The next day she went to her mother’s asking if she could help with the kids because she finally left her ex. Her family agreed to help and as they were going through everything, he called her again and she didn’t want to answer. Eventually she did and told him they were home. At first he thought she meant her dad’s home in Mississippi, but she assured him that she was back in Illinois and he was very angry. To make sure he left them alone, she lied to him and told him if he changed there was a possibility they’d get back together. Giving him false hope was easier than the potential of being terrorized by him constantly.
He moved to Georgia with his Brother for a job and she gave him money for a bus ticket. He asked her to send a few of his things to him and she packed up everything. This again made him furious as he told her he was coming home to get the rest of his things which she told him no you are not coming here. She told him whatever she could to calm him down so he’d just leave them alone. He eventually started calling and just sitting on the phone in silence which became increasingly annoying, just another way for him to try to exert control over her, so she started just hanging up when he did that.
When he started receiving letters about appearing in court to discuss the final terms of the divorce, he took to social media and for a while she tried to defend herself. She remembered he posted “13 years all for this” and all she could think was “We got 3 kids out of 13 years and that’s all you have to say?”
Throughout the divorce proceedings he tried to stall in any way possible, including refusing to sign the parental agreements. Finally, everything was completed and finalized. She felt as though she was released from prison, from a life in a darkness where only she existed.
Currently
She felt as though her life began again and grew into happiness she had never known before. She re-married to a wonderful husband. As her children grew, she stayed strong with them and helped them through the issues they struggled with because of her husband. With time that continues to get better. “My children still struggle to see things and people for what it really is but that’s expected because they are children.”
She still is in contact with her ex husband due to their children. She finally reminded him one day that he attempted to kill her, threatened to kill her and he had nothing to say. No apology, just hurt that she was informing him of his wrongdoings. “I don’t think he will ever come to terms with himself or his painful past, but that’s not my shit. I gave more than my all and I’m just happy I’m not in it anymore and i have myself back. I don’t want anyone to experience what I did. For those of us who have experienced this, I love you and you are so much more than your abuser. Those of us who are still alive, we made it through to fight for the ones who didn’t make it.”
Advice for Parents Talking to their own Children
“Don’t be mad at your parents or adults because of what they do wrong in front of you. Some do not realize what they are doing. Some think what they are doing is the best option at that moment. No adult or parent has all the “right” answers. As a child you should not just watch. But also listen and learn. Sometimes, depending on the type of child and the way they learn. May learn by listening to what you have to say. Some will grow through what they see and experience in life and you will never know they survived so much trauma. But then there are those who have to actually be in it and experience it themselves to understand that it isn’t healthy for me nor was it healthy for mommy or daddy when they were in it. Males can be abused too.” The bad you see your parent(s) go through is never your fault. “It is not your fault what mommy and daddy are doing”
One of the things she had to learn was with her oldest daughter. She loved her father and was a daddy’s girl so she didn’t really want to see what was actually going on.The way she dealt with the situation was by pretending the bad didn’t exist, only the good. It wasn’t until she began seeing how her father treats his current partner that she understood what was going on.
The advice she’d give to parents is always remind your children to love themselves and to actually love your child. To look into the mirror and say “I love you”. Don’t make your children responsible for what went wrong. Do not persuade your children to be on your side. Do not live vicariously through your children. Be the parent you wanted when you were a child and an even better version of that. If a situation doesn’t feel right 9 times out of 10 it isn’t.
“When you love yourself from the beginner it’s a lot harder to lose yourself later in life.”
After trauma
After exiting her previous marriage, she wasn’t aware at first that she was experiencing signs of PTSD. Through her support system, her current husband and younger sister as well as going back to counseling, she has been able to recognize those behaviors and work to find ways to control them. “There were certain things, like smells, signs, and colors that would remind me and make me have flashbacks of the situations that had transpired.”
She still continues to go to counseling to keep her on track so she continues to grow as a person. One of the ways she handles her triggers is by writing, being out in nature and communicating with those around her. One thing that has helped her is using rubber bands. Different rubber bands signify different moods she’s in to acknowledge her feelings. She can also give them a little snap against her wrist to snap her back to reality. If she feels a trigger coming on, she’ll do the 5 senses exercise where she will find something she hears, smells, tastes, feels and sees to keep her grounded. Every night, her family sits at the dinner table to share their days, talk about how their feeling, journal together or just be in the room together silently.
She eventually took to social media to share her story and created Finding Me where she blogs and supports others in their transformation journey to self love and self happiness. She is launching her ebook about her transformation into self-love and self-happiness during her abuse. A piece of her tri-series autobiography. See the links for her website below!
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/findingmeisselflove/
Website - https://findingmelive.com/
Advice
Seek additional Counseling or Life Coaching, your real journey is now beginning.
“Revealing is healing. Some people don’t like to admit the things they experience because it takes them into a flashback moment, reliving the pain and torture again, but accept that it happened and you not only survived it but you’re living----right here and right now, not back then.
Treat yourself like a garden. Pluck the weeds, pull them out by the roots and then you’ll have more room to plant and you are able to see just how gorgeous your garden truly is. Self love is the best love”
She encourages others to take back their power. Through her business Finding Me, she is a life coach and spiritual counselor. She wants others to know you will encounter people who hurt you, but it’s important to learn how to trust yourself first so you can trust others again. Get rest, find ways to channel your struggle like journaling or creating. “Share your story to help others find their way out.” She likes to take time in nature and the shower to just let the water wash everything away inside and out ----cleanse herself. “Let it all go away on a daily basis and pull back the power in your energy, love, and happiness for yourself so you are able to face the next day. That doesn’t mean you won't’ have the bad memories, but you can control what they do for you and what they do to you.”