Home Safe Home

Jessica is involved with Take Back the Night, a walk for survivors to take back their space, safety and lives.  That’s where I met her and where I first heard part of her story in October 2015.

Today, I got to hear the entire story rather than the shortened 5 minute version.

She began with “my story has multiple parts.”

Growing up, she knew her parents were in a bad marriage from day one.  Her father abused drugs, typically painkillers, and alcohol.  He was a child abuse survivor and “he never healed from it so it manifested it in addiction.”  Both of her parents were broke growing up so they stayed together for financial reasons.  Even though her father never hit them, it was “always emotional abuse and fear tactics.”  

She always knew how bad the fights were but in Middle School, her father’s alcoholism reached it’s peak.  She remembers in 7th grade, her entire family went on vacation in Florida.  Her father had been drinking and ended up leaving Jessica and her mother in Florida.

During Christmas time in 8th grade, her father had a neck injury and began taking Vicodin, abusing it in addition to his alcohol abuse.  When the family was over to celebrate the holiday, Jessica was keeping an eye on her father because of how angry he would become while drinking.  As the night wore on, they lost track as to how much alcohol he had consumed and something triggered her father.  He lashed out and a huge fight broke out.  He trashed the house and threatened her mom.  Jessica was 12 or 13 at the time and she had to get in between her parents to stop her father from hitting her mother.  Jessica and her mom ran from the house, waiting for the police to arrive.  In terms of physical abuse, that was the worst it got.  Charges were issues and he spent two nights in jail.

“You’d assume a divorce would be next, but they stayed together.”

Throughout her high school years, she tried to hold her family together and make it work.  Jessica dealt with the turmoil which ebbed and flowed in her home.  During her senior year, he father lost his job due to alcoholism.  He had been working at the same company since he was 16 years old and when that vanished, it was the end of the world for him.  He hit rock bottom as he realized that he “messed up everything for himself.”   At this point in her life, her house was now constantly unsafe as her father began to drink all the time.  Jessica barely slept for 3 months as she was taking care of her father, waiting for an outburst, or helping him as he wandered out into the street in the middle of the night.  Finally, it all became too much for Jessica and her mother and they left the week Jessica graduated high school.  They moved into their own apartment.

“I think he realizes how badly he messed up”

She realized that she grew up hating him.  “It’s hard to love someone who treats you and your family like that.”  At the same time, it was hard for her to see the man who was supposed to be the parent, crying about their childhood after drinking too much.  “You have to forgive them.  Not that you have to, but forgiveness is something for yourself too and I’m glad to say that today I don’t hate him.  We have a mutual understanding of each other and even have dinner once in awhile.”

Before she and her mother moved out, Jessica was the buffer between both of her parents.  That was her role in her family so her mother relied on her.  Jessica, even though she was the child, was the strong one in the family.  She was the one to help everyone keep it together and be the support system for her parents.

Finally, she decided to go off to college and be on her own.  Since she was the support for the family, she never had a chance to deal with her own issues because of the familial abuse she experienced.  Her home was never safe, and the apartment with her mother was the same way–she was always on edge, especially at night.  She still felt all of the anxiety of waiting for her father to have an outburst or wander away in the middle of the night.  She worked several jobs and attended class as she dreamed of studying abroad.  This was her way of getting away from things at home and it seemed like it would be fun, something for herself.

College was also a transition in her life.  In high school she embraced her life with the church and had a purity ring but by the time she got to college, that changed.  She was torn between being open to healthy sexual relationships and the guilt she grew up with in the church.  She had a few sexual experiences in college, she still didn’t have much experience.

Fall 2012

She finally participated in study abroad and went to Liverpool England.  Her first week in England, she met her hall director.  He was attending grad school and was a partial professor.  They began to talk and flirt with each other.  One night, they were out late by themselves, talking in the courtyard.  There were little nooks all around where people could hide in, where it was a little more private.  He pulled her into a corner, exposed his penis and began to force her to touch him.  She told him to stop but he didn’t listen.

“I never looked at it was assault”

She finally got him to stop.  Looking back at it, she thinks that if she had known that was assault, she wouldn’t have continued to see him.  Instead she began to rationalize, trying to make herself believe “Oh well, he must really like me.”

They decided to go on an official dinner date.  After the date, he walked her back to her room.  Since he was the hall director, he had keys to all the buildings so she didn’t feel as though there was a point in telling him not to accompany her all the way to her room.  Once they reached her room, he came inside and began pulling off her pants.  She was telling him no and he wouldn’t stop.  The entire assault ended quickly and he left.  She never thought it was rape.

“I don’t know, I guess I didn’t want to say it [was rape].”

A week later he had come back into her room, without her permission, using his position of power, using his authority, using the keys he had to her building to verbally abuse her.  He began to call her a slut, claiming she led him on.  She said she didn’t want to see him again.

A few weeks later she was visiting her friend who was a neighbor during their study abroad, talking about the trip, and their conversation slowly shifted to the night of her assault.  She confided in her friend that she didn’t think it wasn’t right and her friend responded “Yea I thought it was rapey.”  Jessica asked her why she didn’t say anything before?  She had felt crazy for thinking something was wrong but now she had just been validated.  She wasn’t crazy, she had a right to feel that something was wrong.  Once again, during her trip, a place that was supposed to be her space–her flat–was no longer safe, and she was justified in that feeling.

January 2013

After she returned from study abroad, for about a year and a half she felt as though she was on a mission to reclaim her sexuality.  She had many partners, both men and women.  While she doesn’t regret having more than one partner, she says “I wasn’t making healthy sexual decisions”and looking back, she sees that she was purposefully trying to desensitize herself from what happened.

Fall 2013

During her senior year, she had about 15 partners at that point and had not been using any form of protection.  She was diagnosed with HPV which was a wake up call for her.

“I thought I was reclaiming my sexuality, but it made me more ashamed of myself.”

At the end of her senior year, she had found a relationship that was healthy in many ways, including sexually.

After the Abuse and Looking Forward – November 2015

Even though she recently broke up with her previous partner, she had a “year and a half with a good guy.”  She was able to learn about the walls she put up and triggers from her past abuse.

To this day, she still feels as though she’s learning about how she approaches sex because of her past assault.  In a long term relationship, while sex is important, she realizes that she was using sex to validate herself, which was not healthy.  She  has learned–and is still learning–more ways to feel validated with her current partner.  She’s learning how to express her wants, needs, and desire in a healthy way.

Her current partner understands her struggles and what she’s going through.  Immediately when they first met she told him her story.  “I said ‘here’s my baggage.  Look at it.  You better like it because it’s what you’re getting with me.’” He supports her and helps her on her journey.

After realizing that she was assaulted in England and learning the true definition of assault, she began to see there were other instances where where she felt uncomfortable during what she what she thought was sex.  These were instances where she had said no but that not stopped past partners from proceeding without her consent.

“There are times when you really try to convince yourself that these events are ok, but they’re not.”

She’s always struggled with her anxiety but it became a more predominant issue issue after her trip to England.  She would have panic attacks and stomach aches that caused her to stop eating.  Over the past year or two, she had night terrors where she’d feel as though her dad was coming to hurt her and wake up sobbing.

For Jessica, the best way she’s found to deal with the after-effects of her abuse is talking to people.  She has 2 friends who are her support system.  They know everything she’s been through and she’s known them forever.

Jessica also recently moved into a new apartment in March 2015, her first official safe space.  She’s the only one that has keys to it and it’s all hers.  She still feels that anxiety when it comes to her space, but she’s working through it.

While she has seen counselors off and on in the past, she would like to see one regularly, however, even with insurance, it’s expensive.

“I would say something that I think would have helped me, even when I was young was to be open with people who you’re close to.  I waited years and years even though they probably knew what was going on but I never said anything.”  Just last month, she told one of her friends about the fight that broke out so long ago on Christmas and her friend said that she could have talked with her about this.  Jessica says that states that it’s so important to know that you’re not alone, and there are people who’ve gone through the same things.  You should not be afraid to get professional help.  It’s ok to get help.

“A big thing I always remember is, yes, I am a survivor but I’m so much more than that.  I think that’s something I always try to keep in mind[;] those were defining moments in my story, but not my entire story.  There are a lot of awesome thing that have happened to me too.  You aren’t doomed if these things happen to you.   A lot of people feel like if they grew up [with]in a shitty family life or bad relationships they don’t feel like they should be in a relationship or pursue one.   I know what I won’t accept anymore and that’s the biggest step.”