In Control
“One thing that was really important to me was that in health class, we never really had any definition of what the word consent was and no one really explored that. We talked about sexual assault but really really briefly. It was kinda breezed over and it was always don’t take drinks from stranger, don’t walk home at night alone, don’t be stupid. The thing was, it wasn’t a stranger, it was someone I knew, it was someone I trusted and at the time, I didn’t know how to explain what had happened because all I knew about assault was that it done by a stranger, never someone you trusted.”
She was 15 when the assault happened. One of her best friends called her one evening because his girlfriend broke up with him. She went over to console him and they drove around talking for a while, then he parked the car as they continued to talk. That’s the moment when he assaulted her.
After it happened, she tried to talk to her friends about it but these friends were mutual friends of her and her perpetrator. Their friends didn’t want this to be true so they denied it and tried to make up excuses for his behavior.
“I was like ‘ok, did I actually do something wrong? Is this in some way my fault?’ because the people I did reach out to didn’t really acknowledge what happened and it made me really question and think ‘am I crazy and is this really my fault?’”
After Effects
“It’s crazy to think about how this has an effect for such a long time afterwards”
Three years after her assault, her perpetrator came to her place of work. She had one of the worst panic attacks she has ever experienced. She went and hid in the bathroom for an hour where she became sick and threw up. When she left the bathroom her manager didn’t know where she had been for so long and reprimanded her.
“What do you say? I couldn’t explain it to him and I didn’t tell him, so I just got reprimanded instead.”
Another instance she remember involved her female friend (we’ll call A to maintain anonymity) and her boyfriend (B). B was intent on cheating on A. When A wasn’t around, he created a situation which placed her in a room alone with him and pushed himself on her, which reminded her of her assault. After this occurred, she told A what happened as well as showing her text message she had received from B. Unfortunately, they stayed together and he is physically abusive.
She began dating a coworker around this time and when A stopped showing up for work because of the situation with B, she told her partner why A wasn’t showing up. Just talking about this situation triggered a panic attack because it brought back memories of her assault. Her partner knew what was going on and what she needed which was to not be touched. One of their friends tried to joke around and tickle her and her partner looked at them and said “This is not a joke”. He led her upstairs and she told him exactly what she needed to get through this panic attack.
She struggles with claustrophobia due to the situation of her assault so sometimes clothing can be really restricting. She told him “I need to take of my clothing and get into bed. I’ll put on your clothes when I’m ready to come down. He asked me if I needed anything and I told him water. He came back with a glass of water and asked if he wanted him to stay, I said no. He closed the door and respected what I asked him to do.”
That was something very important to her, having that respect and support from a partner. She thought back to other times where she had been triggered and his support and understanding of her situation kept them from escalating to a full-blown panic attack.
“This is what happens and this is what I need you to do and as long as they listen and don’t do what they think you need, it’s a huge help.
When the assault happened, she was locked in a car. Even though it’s been 6 years (2010), she still gets claustrophobic in cars. She will always drive with the windows open, even if it’s a crack no matter how cold it is. She will request to sit in the front seat. “It took me a while to make that connection between the two, the assault and claustrophobia”
Sometimes her friends will poke fun at her because they don’t know why she is making these requests and she feels uncomfortable sharing it because it’s a serious topic.
One coping mechanism she uses is music. When she does have panic attacks, she tries to isolate herself because “it’s not something I want someone else to experience when I do”. She likes to try to go outside if she feels a panic attack and be out in the open space.
Her piercings are another tool she uses. She had been doing this for a while and whenever she would get through a difficult moment in her life, she’d get a piercing. It’s her way of taking control of her body.
Advice for survivors
“Don’t ignore that it happened. That’s the biggest thing because the longer you do that, I feel like in a way, the more of yourself you lose. Everyone has their own personal way of dealing with something but also it’s important to reach out to someone you trust. That might be one person or multiple people, but just to talk about it and work through it with someone. That makes a huge difference and never blame yourself for what happened”