Instincts

Message from Meggie:

When I started this series, I wanted it to be all inclusive, to show survivors from all backgrounds, genders, orientations, nations of origin, socio-economic backgrounds and ethnicities.  As an advocate, I know that reaching certain demographics can be more difficult that others and part of that is many face different barriers in telling their stories than others.  One group that I work hard in reaching is men.  1 in 7 men will be victims of domestic violence in their lifetime and 1 in 6 men will face sexual abuse before the age of 18.  Men can be victims of abuse and their perpetrators can be male or female.

The reason why this photo is over skype is because I was lucky to have a male friend who was willing to share his story with me to help others who share similar experiences.  Right now he is overseas, which is why I was unable to meet with him in person.  I’m so thankful for this addition to my series, to continue to end the silence that surrounds power based violence.

As always, know that it is never your fault and if you need help, please reach out to the national hotlines.

RAINN (National Sexual Assault Hotline) - 800-656-4673

National Domestic Violence Hotline - 800-799-7233

1in6.org is a nonprofit specifically for male victims of sexual assault.

Instinct

The first 18 years of his life were fantastic.  His mother was supportive and he loved his upbringing.  After his parent’s divorce, his mother gradually became very co-dependent and he believes this, among other factors, turned into psychological abuse.

“It was embarrassing because I was 24 or 25-year-old guy who was being abused by his mom.  I was living in fear.  After of couple of years of it, I was having passive suicidal thoughts on a regular basis”

He started writing down things she said to him, the words she used.  “You don’t notice it at first, but when you sit back and observe, it comes down to letting yourself see what’s happening.  I always tell people to compare the abuser/abuse, to the politicians they like the least.  They may say the right things and do the right things in front of an audience, but how they are with you behind closed doors and their hidden intentions, are what’s most important.”

He began to notice her co-dependence when he was in college.  He thought it stemmed from the fear of losing him and his other sibling.  It started out, by him telling his mom he’d be going out and he would be subjected to a string of questions: where are you going/who with.  At first this seemed (and maybe was) legitimate, especially since he was living under her roof.  But eventually then it began to be ways she exercised control over him (it became more controlling, more inquisitive—“how can I contact your friends, in case of an “emergency”, or “who is she/where did you meet her”.  She had never asked for my friends contact details before, so I found these potential emergencies odd.)  Questions shifted to criticism when he would tell her he was going out with a girl (How old is she/does she work around here/-[even] Whats her address..in case of an “emergency”?..for example.

After asking about how things went, sometimes She’d say things like “She’s not interested in you” /”is that the ‘saleswoman’(in a condescending way)”   or try to make him feel guilty for going out (even with friends).  “I’ll be here all alone”, she might say.  Again, nothing major alone but, in combination with all the other guilt trips it adds up.

It got worse when she also tried to control his ability to get a job (after coming back from academic or professional excursions overseas).  He’d work on his resume at the library at school and she’d again, make him feel guilty for being out of the house.  She’d make suggestions that he was actually just there to meet women.  She’d also always question his desire to get a job, saying that she needed help around the house or say that she needs him here because his dad was gone.  She’d reframe his ambitions, desire to work as selfishness by saying:  “why are you always focused on yourself, why aren’t you focused on your family?  As we not good enough for you?”

She’d yell at him and shame him for trying to be financially independent, or not accepting government food stamps for himself.   He knows that’s one way abusers try to control their victims. (one job he got he was told was a scam...that he would be abused by them in some way. It wasn’t a scam)

She’d also make him feel guilty about receiving any type of healthcare.  He suffered from severe pain as a result of spasms in his back.  When he went to get physical therapy, his mother would make him feel guilty and act as if he was pampering himself. Saying things like: “I wish I could get physical therapy for all my pains too”.  He at first felt “weak” for doing it too.  In 2013, that’s when he saw the abuse increase in severity.  He discovered a lump on his neck and his leg, his lymph nodes were swollen and this kept happening.  The doctor was concerned it might be lymphoma so they decided to take a biopsy.  When he told his mom this, she told him not to get the biopsy.  When he asked why, she said was it was going to be too much of a hassle “That right there is so fucked up.  I told my dad and some other people and they don’t believe me.  That goes against every rule and even the biology of a parent.”  He couldn’t believe that she was so indifferent when it came to a serious health concern.

-MOVED- He remembers one time when they were at the therapist together along with his sibling. He suggested they all go, (which was hard to get agreed upon), to help resolve their problems. During the session, she included in a story,  that he was just like his father (with a subtle “under the surface” smirk on her face when she told it).  She knew him and his father were very different.  He remembers coming home and he had been dwelling on that comment.  He was very upset, given the fact he brought everyone to therapy to resolve the problems, and it upset him she would use it as a time to make passive aggressive/underhanded remarks.  He asked her why did she said that (he was   angry and upset when he asked her too) and he remembers she just had a “quick” smirk on her face initially, followed by condescending remarks, which led to her screaming at him.  She told him that he was worthless, pathetic, a piece of shit, and that he did nothing for the family.  She began throwing objects (not at him, but at the wall) too, while delivering what became blood curdling screams his way.  After these screaming fits, she would made to sure ask his sibling: if it was Ok for her to talk, ok with them for her to do/say ‘this’ or ‘that’.  It was subtle, but it had the effect she wanted on his sibling.

He’s tried to recognize other ways she’s tried to control him.  She asked him to join her cell phone plan regularly. It didn’t really make sense.  Having worked for one of the companies, he knew the main owner of the plan has access to special features, in regards to the others cell phones. At the time, he told her no, he was on his own plan and was ok with that. Looking back, he had a hunch that she wanted to access his text messages, call logs, and other information, these features allow.  

Before he left the house, he was constantly trying to find a way to “escape” his home.  He was breaking down.

She would regularly to ask him questions, often indirect questions, that were hard to determine what information the answer would provide her with.  They were similar to that of a crafty salesman (a job he was very successful at in his past), who can gather information about a customer, by asking them questions which don’t appear to reveal what the sales person is interested in knowing.  (Again, it’s the Intention behind the tactics that matters).

He remembers one moment she was screaming at him and he remembers being so angry that he wanted to hit her. “That’s when you know how it was bad, I wanted to hit my own mother.”  Instead of doing that, he became very concerned about these feelings and went to his therapist (assuming something was wrong with him).  He was surprised that when he told the therapist and his mothers relative (both women and both who knew the household dynamics well), that they both rolled their eyes and said “Don’t hit her-You’ll be the one that gets in trouble”.  He never would, but now he knew, how bad his “mom” really was. Their answered implied they could understand why.

“They know what they’re doing to you, they know what they’re saying to you and the effect they want it to have.  If you know too, you just gotta get out.  As a guy, it’s embarrassing.  She’s a 50 year old woman and I’m a 25 year old guy who was a former athlete. But, the mind controls the body, and your mind can be controlled by the abuser as you start to ‘slip’ ”.

“It’s important to tell yourself that you’re a good person and you don’t deserve this shit.”

College

While he attended college, he was on the mock trial team.  The team and himself did very well and they went along with three coaches went to Nationals.  In the past, there was a male coach on the team who tried to hit on him when they first met. He just shrugged it off as this coach trying to see if there was any interest and since there wasn’t, he assumed it would be let go.  However, 8 months later, when they reached the hotel for nationals, this guy acted up again, trying to find ways to get him alone. For example, one time the coach asked if he would come out to his car alone to get water with him for the team.  He had a bad feeling about this and didn’t go.  Something about the way it was said.  Especially given some of the comments and looks this coach gave to him before the trip there.

Later that night at the restaurant, they were sitting next to each other in a booth.  He asked this man if he could move so he could get up.  Instead this man wanted him to slide over him, to get out of the tight booth.  In this position, his bottom would rub against this man’s crotch.  Again, this made him very uncomfortable.  He didn’t like being put in positions like this and it began to aggravate him.  He told his mom (who was not abusive then) who said it was probably nothing and that, “Gay guys are harmless”.  He wondered what a person’s sexuality had to do with an individual’s morals after this was said though.  

At one of the dances the competition held, he was dancing with a girl when he felt someone come up behind him and began rubbing against him. When he looked, it was this same man rubbing his crotch against him.  He stopped, turned and looked at him angrily.  He couldn’t believe he did this.  He thought he made his sexuality and lack of interest Very Clear.  It made him feel very angry and upset.

At the hotel, everyone shared a bed with another teammate.  The entire team was very close and were great friends so this didn’t bother him. He had slept in the same bed with teammates that were gay, and didn’t have an issue with it, because there was respect and trust.  

He went to the coaches after the competition to tell them what had happened.  He wanted to do it less because he felt wronged, but more so to prevent this guy from doing something worse to someone else.  He set up a meeting with the coaches.  He went in and told them what had happened and within 15 minutes of his meeting, he was in tears because they had completely turned the situation around on him.

They made him feel guilty, as if he did something wrong.  “They accused me of being homophobic. They said you were probably drunk and cant remember (he didn’t have a sip of alcohol the whole trip). They said ‘Everybody knows how you are, you just want to sleep with women, you like draw attention to yourself’” . (Little did they know he was not sexually active..let alone it being any of their business). One coach would intimidate him, another coach would try an instill doubt, or then revert to attacking his personality and motives, while another remained silent, and looked like he felt very bad.

Then he stopped crying.  He flashed back to a book he remembered reading on psychological manipulation, (written by a former law enforcement investigator).  It discussed many investigation and criminal topics, including how suspects can be psychologically manipulated into delivering a false confession.  He looked at them and said “How could this possibly be my fault when he was the one who touched me?”

The way he turned the tables, was by going back to what happened, him being touched sexually by another man and this being unwanted.  He had started out telling the coaches, “this would be sexual assault or at least harassment, if a man did this to a woman.  (This is likely what triggered their manipulation-fear of a lawsuit/investigation).  So, he began rephrase everything they had said to him it helps reverse an opposing lawyers  tactic in court as well.  One tactic was: The Coach said “you’re a good looking guy.  You should be complimented’ so he responded “So would you go home and tell your wife that some man grabbed you and that it was a compliment?”  The coaches face turned red.  He continue on, regaining his confidence and edge, much like he was taught to do in court.

Threats: They told him that his scholarship will be revoked if “he kept this up”.

Party

He once attended a party where a few women had taken interest in him.  “They partnered up kinda to get me drunk”.  As the evening continued, he became more intimate with one of them women he met which he was ok with because he found her attractive.  At this point in time, he realized he didn’t have any protection and didn’t want to take any risks, so he informed her he lacked protection, and didn’t want to go past a certain point for that reason.  “This was not an ok answer for her.  Protection or not, she expected me to sleep with her.”

She began to grab his genitalia and try and force him to use it to penetrate herself, something he was not comfortable with that he had already told her he couldn’t do.  “Despite being too drunk to drive, I was aware of how aggressive she was and was already a little worried.” He had to stop her numerous times from doing this.  “Without protection, I was only comfortable up to a certain point. That’s just the way I am.”  He was laying on his back and she was on top of him so he tried to switch them around, gently so he didn’t hurt her, just to stop her from trying to do this.  As he moved her, she became very angry and began to insult and mock him.  The next day, she had a guilty look on his face and said “I kinda took advantage of you last night”

Barriers for Men to Come Out

“In America, you are expected to dance with women in a very sexual way, so if a girl looks back at you and doesn’t want to dance, you just walk away.  That’s it.  I asked myself, if I was a woman, would that be right or wrong if they did that?  If it’s a guy whether they’re straight or gay, if it’s an unwanted touch, it’s wrong.”  He talked about dumbing it down (state the situation very simply..is the touch wanted or unwanted. Regardless of sexuality or gender). Think about if it happened to someone else, would it be ok?  He knows that it’s easy for men to downplay what they’ve experienced...again, its emasculating.  

He talked about the judgement that men face if they share their experiences.  There’s an aspect of embarrassment of another man touching him and how that’s perceived.

He talked about how it was easier talking to a woman about what he experienced than a man because he feels as though women are more sympathetic (not his coach though, who was a middle aged mom).  There is a fear that if they go to another man they’ll be called a pussy or stupid or told to get over it, that they wanted it ect.

Advice

He advises other survivors to be cautious who they tell, go to someone you can trust like a therapist.  What’s helped him the most is his therapist and being able to recognize what has happened in his life.  

“I’d also say get out of the abusive environment as much as possible.” He spent a lot of his time at coffee shops or book stores.   He suggests to think and plan long term, toward an out, whether that is a financial exit or finding help from the right person.

His interested in law enforcement, lawyers manipulation/persuasion tactics, and approaches that are used during criminal interviews and interrogations. Studying this helped him a lot in seeing what these people were actually “doing”. Luckily, he had a good home life for the first 18 years, which set him up to be able to tackle these moments in his life.

“If my story can help someone else, that would make me feel better”