Liberated
Bombay, India
Growing up in Bombay, India, young girls and women were not allowed to safely claim shared public spaces when men are present. Meghna grew up in this environment and didn’t realize the harassment she faced until later in life.
She and her peers would go to school by bus dressed in their uniforms. Older men would always try to touch them whether that meant stretching their hand out in hopes of brushing against their chest or pretending to fall against them when the bus stops even though everyone else is standing perfectly.
“I remember wondering why were they giving this unwanted attention to me or us. Honestly I think that’s one thing that made me self-conscious. I used to avoid wearing clothing that attracted unwanted unpleasant attention because I blamed myself”
Her mother has always been a very free liberal woman. She encouraged her daughters to wear clothing that liberated them or have short haircuts, anything they felt comfortable and confident in. Instead, because of the harassment she faced, Meghna became anxious and very selective in her clothing with the hopes of being harassed less. She blamed herself, her clothing choices, her decisions about her body rather than the men who chose to perpetrate those crimes. At that age, it was hard to understand who the true culprit was when society was demonstrating something completely opposite.
The building she lived in was old and wasn’t gated. Strangers used to come in and sleep in the hallway. One day when she came home from school, a stranger who was often there unzipped his pants and began to masturbate. It took her a minute to realize what was happening.
“I was shocked. I was embarrassed. Even though I yelled at the guy, I was too embarrassed to tell my parents even though it wasn’t my fault.”
That was one of many experiences she had growing up. That instance for her was very traumatic and growing up in a society where masturbation was a violent and oppressive act, it took her a long time to remove the negative stigma and associate it with a healthy sexual practice.
“The purpose of exposing or flashing was meant to demean a woman or young girl.”
She recalled one time when she was walking home with her parents along with a family friend. A young man in a group of teenagers walked by her and grazed her leg on purpose, just to touch her. Her dad and their family friend grabbed the man and began yelling and hitting him, thus holding him accountable for his harassment. She felt so embarrassed and guilty because her family had made a big deal of the situation.
She went home crying. Meghna didn’t want to talk to her parents about it. As she grew, and became a woman “I became more embarrassed about my sexuality rather than what was happening.”
National Cadet Corps
Meghna joined the National Cadet Corps, which is comparable to the ROCC, when she attended college in India. They get trained to eventually join the army. Members of the National Cadet Corp were supposed to go to an annual training camp which she were selected to attend. She and her peer headed to the main office to pick up their uniforms for the training camp. They entered the office and it was like a library of clothing, organized by size. The officer there was sitting in the middle and helped them find their size. When he found Meghna’s size, instead of handing them to her, he pushed into her, against her body, almost grabbing her chest. She was so shocked she pushed him away.
“He had this dirty smug smile like he had his pleasure for the day. It was traumatizing”
Her friend didn’t know what had happened since she was looking for her size in one of the isles. He went to do the same thing to her but Meghna pulled her away, told her they would come again to find her size. Her friend didn’t realize she had saved her from being assaulted.
She eventually told her then younger sister, but didn’t want to say he almost grabbed her chest, so she told her he grabbed her hand instead out of shame. She wanted to go back there and do something, but she was afraid because that man was an officer and that nobody would believe her. She regrets not telling her parents because she believes they would have supported her. This was one of the experiences that made her feel uncomfortable wearing body fitting tops.
Working at the Restaurant
While she was in college, Meghna chose to work part time at a fast-food restaurant. This was something that wasn’t common in India like it is in the US. Her parents were proud of her and was one of the first in her group of peers who was earning her own money.
While she was in training at this restaurant, there was one man in her trainee cohort who would always make a point to try to touch her. If he was sitting next to her at lunch, he’d find some reason to graze his hand on her thigh as he reached for something or move against her when he walked by. He always tried to make it seem like an accident. She would try to avoid working near him because it made her so uncomfortable.
One of her senior colleagues saw this as well and approached Meghna about it one day. He asked if she was being harassed and she was amazed that another man noticed it. Before she was able to file a report, the man harassing her was transferred to another location.
She and her senior colleague became friends and hung out together for fun outside of work. A few months later, he asked her out. She asked if they could get to know each other more first before officially dating and see where it goes from there. In India, at that time, she believed the culture of just dating or going for movies and dinner without the question of marriage on the cards was not socially or morally approved. She wanted to take it slow and know her colleagues better.
The way he began addressing her around their colleagues which gave the impression that they were dating exclusively. She eventually told him that it was ok for them to meet for coffee without the promise of a serious commitment. One thing that struck her as odd was how he talked about the importance of sexual chemistry in romantic relationships. It wasn’t vicious or threatening toward her and there was nothing wrong about his statements, but she told him she wanted to get to know each other first and take it slow. She understood that physical, sexual and emotional chemistry was significant for many couples, but why did she get this gut feeling of uneasiness when he addressed the topic? She thought she may have been overreacting or paranoid.
For his birthday, they both and a couple of other work colleagues had planned to go on a little get away to a place about 4 hours from Bombay. When they were in their vacation rental, He was being romantic and wanted to kiss her, but before he asked her consent – he started pushing her toward the bed. He was pulling at her clothes aggressively and trying to pull her on top of the bed. He was using all his strength. She kept saying no and using all of her muscles to keep her legs clenched tightly together.
Eventually he stopped once he saw she’d keep fighting him. She was proud she had the courage to fight back against him, but wasn’t sure what to tell her parents. But, she was shocked and speechless once again. She knew they would be supportive, they always have been, but there was that little nagging “what if” fear. She felt everyone would point fingers at her, thus highlighting one of many rape myths and victim-blaming attitudes.
“It’s just deeply embedded in your mind, it’s also everywhere growing up in this culture. You see women having these experiences, you see it in movies where a young girl is blamed for something unpleasant instead of holding the perpetrator accountable. It was the cultural environment and societal expectations that made me not tell my parents. It’s normalized to make the victim feel she asked for it or deserved to be assaulted or raped”
At first, she had a hard time describing this experience as assault. If she hadn’t been fighting back and physically using all her strength, he would have raped her. It took many days for her to get over what she went through.
She still had to go back to work with this man so she tried to pretend nothing happened. When she came back, she had feelings of anxiety in her stomach. She wasn’t able to focus on her studies nor work. Her parents thought it was because of her job since they didn’t know what happened. That experience frightened her, it made her feel responsible. Meghna remembers scoring poor grades in her college courses. She kept asking herself: “Why did I go with him to that getaway? Maybe I should have followed my queasy gut feeling. I should have worn something better?” At the end of the day, she knew that no matter what she did, or wore or behaved — she did not deserve to be mistreated and assaulted by anyone and nothing can be justified for his coercive behavior.
After they both returned to work, she kept a distance from him and told him to give her some time and space. He acted as if nothing wrong had happened. But he bought an engagement ring and tried to propose to her in front of everyone at work. She didn’t want the ring or to be engaged, but asked him to talk about it later because she didn’t want to discuss their personal matters in the workplace. He said they would talk about it but made her take the ring home (since it was expensive), which she reluctantly decided to temporarily hold on to it and everyone believed they were engaged. She didn’t believe justifying to any of her colleagues as she was exhausted and anxious about his gesture and harassing behavior.
She knew she had to quit her job. After she told him no, she was not getting engaged, the harassment from him increased. He was calling her constantly or made his (female) friends call her under disguise so she would come on the phone. She was afraid even though she firmly told him that she wasn’t interested in him and that he should move on. Luckily, she and her sister decided to go to the US for a summer holiday after she finished her exams and she told everyone that she was leaving permanently. She thought that was the only way she could get rid of him and have some space for herself to heal. The day she quit and came to return her uniform, badge and the ring to this workplace, she asked her mother to come with her to discreetly avoid any possibility of a confrontation with him. When he tried to talk to her, he saw her mother and stopped. She never heard from him again.
Living in the US
While the harassment and assault she experienced didn’t drastically affect her relationships, she did become much more cautious. She met her husband during her 2nd year of studies in the US. He listened to her experiences as a sexual assault survivor, has constantly supported her work and advocacy, and encouraged her to achieve her dreams. She had her Masters in Criminal Justice and Bachelors in Psychology as well as participating in Gender Women’s Studies.
One of the ripple effects of the violence she experienced back in India was her body image. She has a hypothyroid condition that causes her to gain weight, feel sluggish and have puffy cheeks. It didn’t bother her until people began to comment on her weight as a teenager or a young girl, talking about how she has gained or lost weight, to the point where she began internalizing it. Between that and her experience with feeling uncomfortable in clothing due to harassment, she began wearing her father’s oversized shirts.
“I just did not want to get any unwanted harassment or face any form of violence any more. Attributing my clothes or how much my body was covered to the risk of being assaulted or molested was the biggest myth I had developed growing up. Nothing justifies being sexually assaulted, raped or harassed or beaten. No means no!”
Meghna now wears clothing that is more comfortable for her not caring what other people think. If she feels good in it, that’s what she wears. She really wishes that there were more discussions and books and educational movies while growing up that addressed these issues that young girls may encounter while growing up such as body images, sexuality, adolescence, and forms of gender violence.
“You know what? If I have acne or something and people have a problem with it, it’s their problem not mine. If my knees look weird in a dress according to some, it’s not my problem, it’s their problem. I don’t care. I feel so beautiful and liberated. It’s not just about appearance, it’s about feeling healthy and beautiful.”
She’s always marched to the beat of her own drum, never quite fitting the traditional feminine expectations imposed by a majority of the Indian society. She feels proud to have pursued her studies in a non-conventional field contrary to medicine and STEM careers prevalent in South Asian culture. She dated, lived in with and married her (current) partner when they both felt they were ready and wanted to, without letting the society influence them. It didn’t matter what people thought of us. She says she won’t let her gender violence experiences define her, she will live her life to be happy and peaceful.
She’s moving on with her life and has found new ways to liberate and heal herself. She shared the story of when she was talking to her husband about the Reclaiming Me photo series. She asked him if it was ok if she wasn’t anonymous and that her experiences as a survivor of sexual assault and gender violence would be publicly visible to all (our families etc.). She knew she didn’t need his permission and he supported her in whatever decision was comfortable for her. She realized she was purposely looking for a reason, or permission, or finding a way to share her story when it was really hers to tell. No one could remove that power from her.
“My current partner is supportive and loving to realize the impact of my experiences as a survivor. It’s not that I needed approval from anyone, but for me it was validating my experience and making me feel strong enough now to talk about it. It was more like believing in me and my experiences and that was so helpful and empowering”
Meghna is looking for jobs that work with gender violence prevention and intervention. Her passion is starting discussions about rape myths and educating supporter on how to help survivors. She’s briefly shared her experiences with friends as well as in presentations. She wants to see a world where culture in our community changes, where rape myths disappear, survivors aren’t blamed for their experiences and the intersectionality of power based violence is recognized.
Bollywood
Throughout our discussion, Meghna discussed the impact of Bollywood on Indian culture. She discussed growing up in India, the images portrayed in Bollywood cinema where a woman saying no begins the chase. It’s romantic for a man to continue to pressure a woman and not listen to what she has to say about herself or her consent. Meghna is currently completing her doctoral dissertation about the relation between violence against women and Bollywood cinema.
“When you’re growing up as kids in India, Bollywood cinema played a big role. I associated stalking as romance, being aggressive to get a kiss as romantic. It was not as romantic as it looked. It was unpleasant. Traumatic to me and my peers!”
She even saw a link between Bollywood images and the man who assaulted her when she worked at the restaurant. For him, the more she said no to everything from dating to sex to engagement, the more it was all part of the chase, it was supposed to be romantic, it was how men and women were supposed to act and expected to behave.
There are dance numbers called Item Numbers which are sexually provocative dance scenes where a woman is the main focus. A few people find it liberating because it’s the image of a woman expressing her sexuality. However, while she is expressing herself, there are men who dance around her and the camera typically zooms in on her cleavage, hips or her lips. Instead of the scene showing a powerful woman who is making choices for herself, she is presented for a male audience, she isn’t doing this for her, it is completely tailored to the male gaze. The scene is shot from a male perspective.
The majority of Bollywood directors are men and while they try to show some sensitivity toward women’s issues, women are still portrayed as objects of sex for men. The fact that they portray a woman’s body through the male gaze, focusing on male desire in conjunction with emphasizing that men don’t have to listen to a woman if she rejects him creates a normalized feeling toward violence against women. She also thanks her study participants, professors, and colleagues for teaching her different and diverse liberating perspectives about this subject.
India’s Daughter
Focusing on India, this normalization of violence has been happening for a long time, but critiquing certain aspects of society doesn’t mean the entire country is horrible. All countries have good and bad things about their culture. There are many nonprofits being created who fight violence against women. There are feminists who struggle 24/7 to fight for survivors, to fight for their rights.
The documentary India’s Daughter was a turning point in Indian society to discuss what was truly going on. The documentary focused on a 2012 rape of a 23-year old college student. The victim did not survive her injuries and died just a few days later. People began to protest, to come to the streets to demand a change because of the brutality of this case. The documentary was almost banned from screening in India by authorities/ politicians who believed that the society shouldn’t be exposed to such heinous crimes and so forth.
Meghna shared with me her thoughts regarding the documentary. She values anything that can start a discussion about these issues but she also brought to light some issues with the documentary as well as media coverage. India’s Daughter focused on the young woman who was killed and, just like the media outlets, emphasized that she was going to college and spoke english. With that, they constructed this image of a perfect victim, an intelligent, innocent, educated woman who is the victim of these crimes. Although the film-maker may be well-intentioned in making this documentary– this outlet didn’t discuss that this is something that happens on a daily basis, maybe not as brutally as this particular assault, but with marginalized women who are in the lower caste (commonly known as ‘dalit caste’) who are mutilated every day, the constant and ongoing harassment of young women in the streets or other assaults. The documentary provided a one sided view of both victim and perpetrator, leaving out all of those affected by sexual violence. This does not mean to trivialize the trauma & brutal experiences of this gang-rape victim in Delhi or other survivors. The title India’s daughter- associated with a national campaign in India itself appears very patriarchal and patronizing, thus reinforcing the idea that women can be seen only as daughters and they need to be protected (primarily by men).
After watching the documentary and leading a discussion with students on campus—watching the documentary itself multiple times was triggering for her that weekend, bringing up anxiety and the way she reacted to situations temporarily changed. She found she would become irritable or angry faster than before. This was a moment of reflection for her, to think about why she was feeling this way and open up another discussion.
Activism
While Meghna works to initiate discussions, she is careful with what she posts on her social media platforms. Since she has lived in the US for so long, many view her more as a western woman and view her opinion differently
“I’m often questioned. People say it’s easy to talk about gender violence where you don’t face this stuff every day. Although a valid genuine question by cynical people– they think it’s easier said than done to preach from far away about what’s happening in India- my home country. I ask them to reflect- You think it’s safe here? Because I live in the US doesn’t mean I don’t face street harassment here, that doesn’t mean women and young girls or even other individuals- like men, children, LGBTQI individuals don’t experience sexual violence. Even immigrant women experience multiple layers of revictimization and trauma due to several barriers and complex issues. I tell them, I spent 23 years of my life in India and have had my share of multiple experiences and encounters with gender-violence. That doesn’t define who I am, but at the same time it has shaped me for what I am in terms of my personal and professional goals.”
Also in South Asian communities, discussing or talking about gender violence, especially sexual abuse is often looked at as a taboo, private personal matter or hushed. That leaves very little or no space for victims and survivors to talk about any unwanted experiences.
She has started initiating conversations with her family during her visits to India, approaching the topic as “Hey today this is what I learned” so the conversations lend themselves to sharing rather than instructing. Her mother is a teacher and a certified counselor and now comes to Meghna to ask questions on how to handle certain situations and they have fascinating discussions. Her mother leads workshops talking to parents and staff covering topics from stress to development to making resources available to people. Meghna herself gets to learn a lot from her mom, dad and sister of how to stand up and talk against social injustice.
“My dad too has been an active bystander, and sometimes a civil citizen vigilante in his own way, whether he sees a small boy aka a help being ruthlessly beaten by a shop owner for something trivial or if he sees someone being harassed by a group or accompanying a victim to the police station. As much we get concerned about his safety in such situations where he intervenes, or reports to the police if needed—his courage and perseverance has always inspired me and my work in many ways! Most importantly, my sister has been the rock star in my life! My younger sister, whose assertiveness, compassion and candidness has been instrumental in molding me to be a better person in my work. She is my best critique and I am proud of the unique feminist perspectives she persuades me to think. She has made me reflect further, redefine how we look at feminism and at gender violence and I am indebted to her for always teaching me something new and important.”
Her husband is also eager to learn more. An avid reader– he’s joined her for showings of the Vagina Monologues, Women’s Leadership conference events and doesn’t shy away from tough conversations about these important issues. Contrary to the false stereotypes of the typical ‘desi’ (Indian) Engineer– he has been able to proudly describe her dissertation research in terms of data collection and questions to his friends. She was pleasantly surprised!
“I am extremely fortunate to be surrounded by a community of badass, assertive & dedicated people back in India and here in Chicago and at UIC who will speak up and intervene against anything wrong or unjust. She is grateful for the opportunity to have written blogs on gender-violence in the Stop Street Harassment organization website- ranging from shared gendered spaces of women loitering in India, to the domestic violence awareness month and DV in immigrant communities.”
Advice for Other Survivors & Getting Involved
“I would say don’t blame yourself, believe in yourself and what you’ve gone through. I think just owning, not owning in terms of victimization, just claiming your story and confiding in someone. Maybe if I confided in my mom it would be different. Find that one person you can talk to or a more supportive space, to get through it. Taking that step, using resources around you. I know it’s difficult and if you’re not ready, that’s fine, but there’s a lot of resources and social support around you. It’s much easier said than done, especially when you’ve gone through that traumatic experience. Whatever decision you make, it’s the right decision for you. If you don’t want to report it, that’s ok. Whatever resources you want to use, whether it’s self-defense or counseling or faith– whatever helps you, try to utilize them and your loved ones around you (who you have a healthy relationship with). Only you know what you have gone through. But you are not alone. I am with you. You should be unapologetic, respected, valued and are beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! I also urge and strongly recommend those who are a part of the support system for the survivors of violence – such as care-takers- family members, physicians, nurses, victim advocates, lawyers, healthcare workers, mental health therapists etc. who have provided a safe, non-judgmental, healing, supportive space for the victims and survivors. It is important we take care of ourselves, replenish the depleted energy & calm the chaos within us!”
Meghna worked on a research project where they would send out surveys on sexual violence. Eligible women were women who had experienced unwanted sexual harassment in their adulthood who had disclosed to someone. There were many women who called in about the survey and disclosed to Meghna for the first time.
“Just being there and letting them know that it’s not your fault, I understand. Listening to them and providing resources, even if they weren’t eligible, that in itself was making a small step to liberating that person.”
Meghna also knows that while we have many resources there, there are groups that are left out. She feels the mainstream society often neglects marginalized people like the poor, or from scheduled caste, or those who are sex-workers, or homeless, or transgender through laws and policies. She answered one call that was a male survivor and felt helpless because there aren’t many resources for men who were sexually assaulted. She gave him Rape Victims Advocate’s number and hoped they were able to provide help if he contacted them. She believes we also need to address and tackle the culture-specific taboos, or negative stereotypes added to publicly discussing and talking about sexual violence, no matter how uncomfortable it is. If we don’t start focusing on multi-cultural and global perspectives in our work, advocacy and policy, we are leaving a hostile, unsupportive, uncomfortable negative space and environment for our future generations and children. We need to initiate healthy dialogues and community organizing in addition to call for action to create this safer and violence-free, sexism-free, misogyny-free, homophobic-free etc. environment for all.
She finds the environment in Chicago and at UIC so empowering. Both in her personal and professional life, she’s met so many people involved in social activism and has learned so much from these amazing people. There are so many agencies representing diverse marginalized groups working to achieve the same goal, identify resources or provide resources for marginalized groups through collaboration, and policy-making etc.. She sees changes and is happy to be in that environment. Meghna finds hope in this environment and the work that is being done.