Not Gonna Stop Me
She hasn’t shared her story with many people, only some of her friends and the advocates at UIC. “I haven’t even told my parents yet, because you know” and she trailed off.
She decided to go to University of Illinois this past Spring (2016) for Unofficial which is the weekend before St. Patrick’s Day where college students from all over the state congregate to party. She had partied in high school, but it was a small, liberal high school so most of the parties were with the same groups of friends and UIC doesn’t have that kind of atmosphere. She wanted one weekend to experience a college kind of party so she planned to spend the weekend with a friend who went to U of I.
They started at one party then eventually moved to the second and a group of guys from the first joined them in party hopping. Her friend went off to mingle so she talked to one of the guys. They decided to leave together and go back to his place.
“That’s what’s been hard, knowing what happened but being in denial that it was rape. I only consented to so much you know?”
He forced himself on her, to go farther than she wanted. She kept saying no and was clearly in pain. She remembers the mattress being on the floor with no bed frame and as he continued assaulting her, it moved away from the wall, her head was shoved in the ever growing space between the two. She tried to fight him, but her effort was only in vain. Eventually she just laid there and “took it”. She was afraid if she continued to fight, he’d hurt her more. Even if she left, she was in Champagne, she didn’t know anyone else and where was she supposed to go? She slept there and the next morning she took it again.
“I’ve read a lot too. It’s like the same thing in so many situations, even if you say no, it’s more attractive to keep going, I don’t understand it. What’s crazy is that it was peaceful the next morning. He drove me to my friends place and didn’t even realize what he did to me.”
She told her friend at the apartment but wasn’t believe. “I felt like I had to share all the details just to get her to believe me”. Later that day she went to another party just to try to normalize the day and the friend who she was staying with saw her in a SnapChat story. Her friend messaged her saying “so you start over brand new?” After that moment she thought, “I don’t have to explain myself to her” and blocked her friend from all of her social media accounts and her phone. She hasn’t spoken to her since.
Path to Healing
She finds it hard to connect with people, even her friends. At times she feels detached. Her friends are supportive and try to help but there is only so much they can do.
She has anxiety and it creeps up on her unexpectedly. It’s hard for her to pinpoint what triggers the anxiety. It seems to come out of nowhere. One trigger she has recognized is the smell of baby oil.
When she returned to UIC after her assault, she began talking to a guy who she dated for a while in June 2015. She eventually shared what had happened to her and, while they already had sex before, he became much more delicate with her during sex and having that support was very helpful. They have since separated.
She still finds it hard speaking to men without feeling like an object but she has plans to speaking more about her experiences. She’s shown interest in going to local events to hear other survivors speak out.
She spoke to members of UIC’s Campus Advocacy network and was given information as how to report the assault, but she decided not to file a police report since her parents don’t know. She has also decided she would like to continue to move forward emotionally and mentally and not pursue any other legal charges.
She told her peer mentor about her assault right after it happened and they we required report it to their director. When she returned from U of I to UIC, she had to speak to the director who was very supportive and told her she had the option to take a few days off from school.
“I remember I took that Monday off and Tuesday , it was International Women’s day, the weather was beautiful and I went to the campus Advocacy program. I knew then, I’m going to do something good, this isn’t gonna stop me.”
She’s turned a negative thing into something positive and it became her motivation to move forward. She smiles and laughs “I took a gender & women’s studies class the beginning of this past semester and then all this happened. I think it’s a mixture of the two, I’ve become a super feminist.”
She’s now minoring in gender women’s studies. Her experiences are motivating her to make a difference in the world. “I’ve been doing a lot of volunteering with kids and now a nice transition is that I’m going to be reading with and to kids in homeless shelters. A lot of the shelters are domestic violence shelters. That will be nice to have somewhat of a connection.”
Lasting Thoughts
Reading other survivor stories has helped her move forward. “It’s really alienating. It happens to so many people, but no one talks about it. As soon as you read a couple of stories, I guarantee you that you’d find ones that are similar. It’s really nice because you feel less lonely.”
Something she wants every survivor to know is that you have your good days and you have your bad days, but healing is a process that can take a long while and that’s ok. It’s important to never let that stop you.
Update July 2016
I just received an amazing email. She wanted to let me know she had just started counseling at Rape Victim Advocates and is attending group sessions starting in August. “I really can’t express how much the organization has helped me already in such a little amount of time!”