Outspoken Brave Soul

*Note – Names have been removed for confidentiality

2015

She had just started school at McHenry County College.  She had met some friends at the open house at her college.  One of her best friends, C, was who she hung out with through most of the summer.  C introduced her to B who she had biology with.  They would hang out and do homework together.  One September 6th, 2015, B invited her over to her house for a bonfire.   The weather was getting chillier and it was the time to celebrate summer coming to a close.  She was told that B’s brother had liked her but she felt weird as it was her friend’s brother.  She said she wasn’t interested and B said it was fine and she would let him know so there was no confusion.

They picked up another friend who was in high school at the time, so it was the 3 of them and the brother had 4 of his friends over as well.  They were drinking wine coolers and after their parents went to bed, the brother brought out a handle of fireball.  He specifically gave her his bottle and had her drink from it.  She only had two shots as she didn't like Fireball.  He asked her to go for a walk and she said sure.  It was a beautiful night and she didn’t think anything of it.   They lived on a farm so they had a lot of land.  All of the sudden everything started getting fuzzy and something didn’t seem right.  

“The next thing I remember, I was waking up on a picnic table with 3 guys around me asking if I was ok.  I just kept saying I'm ok.  From what they told me, I was throwing up.  I couldn’t walk at all, I was just completely out of it.”

The brother told everyone that he was going to bring her downstairs to put her to bed.  She faded out and then “I remember waking up with him on top of me with his hand over my mouth, telling me to be quiet and not make a sound while he’s raping me.  I had no clothes on bottom down.  I was so sore and sick, I started to panic because I didn’t know what happened.  I only remembered bits and pieces.”

The next morning they all went out to breakfast and she pretended everything was ok.  Everyone was talking about what happened, and they all just agreed that they wouldn’t talk about it again, that they’d just pretend nothing happened.  

A few weeks later, she had a family emergency so she had to drop her classes and move back home.  Her friend B told her that “she had heard what I did with her brother and how could I do that to her.  I told her I didn’t do anything”

April 2016

She didn’t tell anyone for 6 months, but eventually confided in her mom and sister.  She began to see a therapist because of the struggle she was having with anxiety and PTSD.  In April, she went to the police.  They got a warrant to record him without his knowledge on the phone and on 3 separate occasions, she confronted him about it.  He admitted to raping her and “He told me if I ever came over to his house, he’d do it again”

She reported to the McHenry County Sheriff and the first officer she spoke to was very cold and it made her feel as though he didn’t believe her.  She was really anxious going into this entire process.  Detective Maldanado was assigned to her case and “he was absolutely amazing.  I think of him like a dad.  He was the first person to believe me and say that it wasn’t my fault.  He told me ‘I believe you and we’re going to get him.  No matter what happens you should be proud for speaking out’”  He never judged her and was supportive throughout the entire process.  He was always willing to communicate with her if she was anxious about a court date and always kept her updated on the status of her case.  Now, when she goes up to McHenry county, she makes a point to visit him and even wrote him a letter thanking him for everything he did for her.  She remembers the last time she went up there he told her “Look at you smile.  I’ve never seen you this happy”

The investigation is still on-going and her next court hearing is in December.

After Trauma Effects

“I had extreme stomach aches and would get physically sick, headaches and I’d get dizzy at least once a week if not more.  I went to a gastroenterologist and tried 6 different medications before I saw a therapist.”  She found out that she did have a stomach ulcer because of all of the stress she was experiencing, but once she saw a therapist and began taking anti-anxiety medication, her stomach aches went away.  “It was like my stress level and anxiety and depression was actually causing me physical problems”

She didn’t realize she was experiencing depression either.  She thought the way she was feeling was normal.  “I had days when I just didn’t want to wake up.  I lived in Hawaii for a month and was so depressed there.  The most beautiful place in the world and I was just miserable and wanted to sleep the entire time.  I never wanted to go out, I just wanted to disappear.”  

Managing PTSD

At first, food was her coping mechanism because it was something she could control.  She could control how much she ate and what time.  She felt as though if she could control something, then it would be ok.  She also used alcohol to escape.  She would get triggered at parties because of her experience so she would either not drink at all or drink until she blacked out because she didn’t want to feel anything.  

While her initial coping mechanisms weren’t healthy, she had grown since she began to see her therapist.  When she gets triggered now, she calls her mom or practices her breathing techniques.  She loves doing make up to help focus her anxiety.  “I always wanted to be good at art, but never was so make up is the one artistic thing I’m good at!”  She also keeps a journal so she can write down what she’s feeling to try to sort it out.

“The word rape used to really upset me because it held so much power over me but you only give something the amount of power you allow it to have.  I’ve come to terms with the word and just said it over and over and over again to try to become more comfortable with it.  I don’t think it’s something I should be ashamed of, it needs to be talked about.  It’s something prevalent in our society and I think people are afraid to talk about it, but it needs to be talked about”

Advice

“It sounds so cliché, but it’s not your fault.  It doesn’t matter if you were drinking, what you were wearing , if you like that person or not, the minute they took away your ability to consent, that’s the minute you lose all responsibility.  I mean like it’s not your fault that they did this to you and you should be proud of yourself and you should know you’re a strong person for saying it or acknowledging it, even if you didn’t tell anyone or kept it to yourself or even if you didn’t go to the police.  As much as it sucks, it gets easier with time.   It gets better.  The more I share, the easier it is to talk about it.”