Remember to Love
Growing up, Alex experienced abuse in her family life. Her mother believed that as long as she didn’t punch Alex it wasn’t abuse. Verbal assault, along with hair pulling, nails digging into her skin, and manipulation were all part of Alex’s childhood.
September 2013
Alex broke up with her boyfriend who she had been with for 4 years. He was manipulative and abusive. “After four years, you can only give so many damn chances.” When she broke it off there were several weeks where they had no communication. She still had items of his which she wished to return and get rid of. Instead of seeing her ex directly, she tried to get in touch with his brother-in-law who she worked with, but their schedules never quite matched. She finally thought “why not just give his belongings to him in person.”
Now looking back at the situations, she sees there were warning signs. At first she was going to drop his belongings off at his place but he kept changing his mind and decided he’d go to her parent’s home since he lived very close to them.
“He asked how I was doing and I assumed he’d finish his sentence with Netflix so I said ‘Without Netflix?’ and he said ‘No…sex.’ That wasn’t any of his business.”
Her apartment was about a 2 hour walk from her parents’ house, a walk she had taken many times to relieve anxiety. Tonight she was exhausted from her job, working Monday through Friday 7am-6pm and Saturdays 7am-4pm, so when he offered to drive her home, she accepted.
They arrived at her apartment and she went to say her final goodbye, but he wanted to come up to her unit. His excuse was to say goodbye to the cats, one of which was terrified of him. She thought since this is his last visit, it would be fine. After he said goodbye to the cats, she tried to usher him out, but he said he had put two hours on the meter so they could talk. She thought, why do we need two hours? What is there to talk about?
Her ex could never talk about anything stressful without drinking alcohol, he really couldn’t even go a week without drinking. As his questions become more serious, he fixed them both drinks. He kept asking about her dating life and she kept trying to change the subject. Eventually she told him there was a man who she was interested in and he went off asking questions like, “Is his dick bigger than mine?” questions she had no idea how to answer. Throughout their conversation, he tried to sneak a kiss but she explicitly told him no, that was not going to happen. He then tried to bring up the last time they had sex, commenting that it “wasn’t really that good” implying a redo for a better ending. Alex replied “Yeah, because I stopped it” implying her disinterest.
At the end of their two hours, she showed him to the door and went to say goodbye. This was supposed to be the last time they would ever see each other, and he leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She was going to do the same just as a goodbye kiss. He then became angry and asked what she was trying to do?
Throughout their relationship, he always used sex to control her. He’d start becoming intimate with her, but “as soon as I started to get into it”, he’d abruptly stop and tell her not to get too excited, to reinforce he was the one in control of their sex life and that control was not shared. He’d manipulate her during sex as well.
After he asked her what she was trying to do, she became angry remembering his intimately controlling behavior, and said “how does it feel to be lead on.” He became angrier after that, shoved her off, pushing her into the bedroom, and assaulted her.
She blamed herself for the assault.
“I cried the entire time” and she thought he couldn’t see her tears. He put all of his bodyweight on her so she couldn’t move and couldn’t get him off. She stopped struggling. “I just wanted to get him off, get it over with and get him out.” That night she cried herself to sleep.
Even though she tried to act normal, she cried on her way to and from work. She didn’t want to show she was hurt and in her head, she didn’t want it to be rape. Alex tried to convince herself otherwise.
3 days later
She told 2 of her closest friend about the assault. They came over and she told them she couldn’t get over how she was feeling, she couldn’t deal with it. One of her best friends looked at her and said “You said no. He raped you.” Someone finally said it and it finally clicked with her even though she couldn’t actually say ‘rape’ until a year later. He was also the friend that came over every night after as she cried and repeated her story over and over.
Unfortunately, not all of her friends were as supportive. She was friends with 2 sisters and disclosed to the younger one. By the time she decided to tell the older sister, the eldest had already heard bits and pieces from the youngest. She told Alex “You knew what was going to happen when he came up. You kissed him, you guys were drinking, it wasn’t rape”. Alex stopped talking to her for a while after that.
Alex told the man who she was interested in dating what happened. She said she was going to call the police but never did. He was the one that called the police to report it. He lived in Naperville and the assault happened in Chicago so she began talking to Naperville police and the call was eventually transferred to Cook County and they sent officers to her apartment.
Two officers arrived. They were completely indifferent toward her, continuously giving each other looks, cutting her off before she could finish any of her sentences. They finally said to her “Ok. Listen. Did you just get back with your ex and it didn’t go the way you planned? It was bad and you don’t want your new boyfriend to know?” Then they reluctantly took down her ex’s contact information and said they’d get in touch with her. No one took her seriously and she believes that was partially because she didn’t have a rape kit done. At the time, she thought that a rape kit was only something you had done when a stranger assaulted you, not someone you knew. She shared her experience with these officers, with friends and other police officers and they looked at her, unsurprised and said “That’s Cook County”.
Her assault was reported in the end of September but a detective didn’t get in touch with her until the end of October. That night, she met the detective at the door with her makeup running down her face from her tears. Earlier that day, her best friend told her that her ex’s brother-in-law shared with him what happened at a boys night he attended. The brother-in-law and Alex’s best friend worked at the same business so they knew each other. Her ex was telling the group of friends about the last evening he saw Alex. He called her a slut and said that was why it was so easy to get back with her. He told them she was crying the entire time because she was still in love with him.
“I held on to the fact that he didn’t see me cry. It made it easier for me to let it go. To hear that….that killed me.”
She never realized how social she was until she started losing that part of herself. “I didn’t want things like that to die, so I tried to snap out of it”. She moved back with her parents, was still working at the same place and she joined a dating website where she met her current boyfriend. He was in the Army and had orders to stay in the Great Lakes area.
They clicked instantly and hung out as much as they could. A month into their relationship, she told him everything. She laughed as she looked back at that moment. She was sitting on the couch, holding a glass of water. Nervously, she bit the side of the cup and it shattered and she felt a mix between ‘he’s going to think I’m crazy’ and embarrassment. Instead, he told her “You’re not going to scare me away”.
Her partner was extremely supportive and helpful as well, seeking out resources the army had to offer, and finding more articles to jump start her healing.
3 Months into their relationship, they moved in together and he had prepared a special dinner with roses, chocolate and homemade food. She felt as though she ruined the night because a horrible mood came out of nowhere. She felt out of control and frustrated thinking “I can’t even have a normal dinner”. Her boyfriend then gave her an article titled “He Raped Me and Then I Made Him Breakfast”. She was in tears because it was like the author was taking the words right out of her mouth.
A year after the abuse, with encouragement from her partner, she began seeking regular counseling at Zacharias Center, a group she was connected with through RAINN’s website. She was only the waiting list for only a month but it was worth it. She had to pay for counseling sessions during her wait which were expensive. It was at these paid counseling sessions, that she was told she has PTSD. A friend who was a former police officer had also directed her to a person who gave her a defense class, and boxed with her every other week to relieve stress. It was during these times that Alex began doing her own research on how to heal.
Her current partner was always protective over her, always very watchful for fear of something happening to her. With a smile Alex shared a story of when they were in the grocery store and she told him she was going to get ice cream. He didn’t know she meant she was going at that minute to get ice cream and began hurriedly searching the store for her until he found her again. This is why she didn’t want to confirm his worst fears after she had been assaulted a second time.
Spring 2015
She had attended a birthday party the night before filled with people she didn’t know. She conquered her anxiety and had fun that night so she assumed a party of coworkers and friends would be a breeze to get through. She was in a safe place with safe people. She rode with a female friend and at the party were 4 other girls, one of whom was dating another male coworker who was also present. She enjoyed a night dancing with everyone. She and her female friend were exhausted so they decided to sleep on the couch until morning to make sure they were able to drive the hour back safely.
She and her friend shared the L shaped couch. The male co-worker approached her, fixing her blanket and said “Hey, we told you that you can sleep here. You’re safe.” She assumed he knew her story because she had shared it with his cousin when his cousin disclosed to her about childhood experiences with abuse. That must be why he was reassuring her. Finally everyone was gone, the dating couple retired upstairs and she began to fall asleep.
In the middle of the night she woke up to her male co-worker standing at the foot of the couch. He told her if she and her friend, who was sleeping deeply, decided to leave in the middle of the night to lock up. She said ok and waited for him to leave but he sat down next to her, smiling as if he wanted to say something else. He was sitting near her hips, preventing her from moving away and he leans in and begins to pull down her shirt saying “Just a little taste”. She tried to push him away and each time she verbally protests he tells her to be quite as to not wake up her sleeping friend.
Alex began to get aggravated because she felt unprepared to physically defend herself. She was frustrated with herself for not knowing how to get him away and off of her or how to react to this situation. She kept trying to talk to him, to stall him and to figure out how to get him away as she pulled her blanket up in an aggressive manner. She turned as far away from him as she could and told him to go upstairs to his girlfriend and he began to grab her butt. She said “I’m going to hit you if you don’t leave me alone.
He stuck out his chin and said “Ok go ahead”
Alex asked him if his cousin told him about her, that they have similar pasts, hoping it would trigger a memory about his cousin’s experience with abuse, hoping that would make him go away. He ignored her question and leaned in farther and she blurted out that she was raped. He asked if she was serious and if her current partner knew, didn’t wait for an answer and kissed her as he said sorry. She said “ok you got your one taste now leave me alone”. He continued to kiss her over and over and finally gave up. She didn’t know if it was because she was taking too long to submit or getting too noisy but she ran to the bathroom feeling like she wanted to cry. She woke her friend up and left. She cried and she shared her story. Her friend said they can’t tell anyone and have to go to work, pretending nothing happened.
After dropping her friend off, she pulled over. She tried several friends and her partner but no one was picking up at 6am. She looked up the RAINN website and called their hotline. They told her that what happened to her was assault and she can get a rape kit done, explaining that a kit isn’t only used for unknown perpetrators. Even though there was no penetration, they can swab for skin cells and more evidence. After she hung up the phone she called 911 since she was so upset she was unable to drive.
An ambulance and 2 squad cars pull up and she almost regretted her decision feeling like it was too much and she was causing a problem. She spoke to one officer, telling her story and went to the ambulance. As she walked away she heard the 1st officer speaking to the 2nd explaining yes, that was assault. The man did not have Alex’s consent to touch her.
At the hospital, another detective from the correct jurisdiction came to take over and get her story. Then an advocate from Zacharis Center came out and a nurse did the rape kit. After the trip to the hospital, she saw all of the missed calls from her partner, who was at drill at the time. She headed to a family party to try to act as though everything was normal and meet her partner who was coming home. He tried to hug her hello but she didn’t want to be touched. He knew something was wrong so he pulled her aside and she told him everything. He listened patiently and asked if there was anything she wanted him to do, whether she wanted to be touched or if he should move.
Every aspect of her PTSD came back again. She had trouble concentrating at work, she didn’t go to work Monday Morning. She decided to head to the corporate office to talk to the CEO about what she experienced since her perpetrator was a co-worker. He completely understood and relocated her to another location.
Her partner had orders to go to Cuba so they both quit their jobs but that fell through and they moved about a few hours south, near his family. She realized that she needed to continue counseling because she had a harder time controlling her PTSD without that so Zacharias Center referred her to RACES.
Life with PTSD
Since then, she has been doing much better. She’s submitted poems, drawing and other works to publications that help survivors. She was quoted in a piece by Mic.com about how to heal after assault. Alex says one of the biggest things that has helped her heal is hearing stories from other survivors.
She still has anxiety and panic attacks as well as night terrors. In her dreams, she typically sees her abusers or people close to her in similar situations. She has gastritis from stress and has problems concentrating, speaking, forgetting words or stuttering. That was something that never happened to her before her assault and is a source of frustration. Just like everything else, she’s working through it. At times she feels very paranoid and hates being alone. When she does have a trigger, her entire body tenses up and she clings to herself. There is a very small window of space on her upper arm where she can be touched to bring her out of it. Her partner knows this and works through them with her.
“Whenever I’m with [my partner] it’s easy to relax”
At times she feels guilty, as though she ruined moment or isn’t good enough for her partner. She feels as though she is the source of a problem and he reminds her that she isn’t a problem at all. Before they moved south, he told his dad what had happened to Alex, which she was fine with but there was still guilt that came along with that. That same night she had a nightmare about the entire situation.
“In my dream I was undercover in a college dorm”. She meets a student that looks similar to her ex. He discovers her identity and she has to run. Her partner picks her up and they rush to his parents house where the three of them have to defend her. His parents are reluctant at first but they have no choice. That was how she was feeling in reality, as though everyone around her feels obligated to fight her demons even though they don’t want to.
At times she downplays her abuse, feeling as though there are others who have gone through worse so why should she be reacting like this? Why should she have anxiety, triggers and more?
“I have to remember it’s not a competition of whose pain is worse. Every situation is unique but pain is pain. As unique as our situations are, a lot of the symptoms are similar which is why it’s important to read other stores and talk to other survivors.”
Making the change from taking care of everything on her own to being a team with a partner has made things easier. She knows she relies on her partner often to help her through her triggers or anxiety but her goal is to be able to eventually handle triggers without extra support from her partner. He supports her unconditionally and helps her through everything. That help is getting her to a place where she will be able to conquer them on her own. Sometimes she feels like there are two sides to her, one is Pain and the other is moving on. There’s always conflict between the two sides which she is learning how to deal with.
As far as dating is concerned, she always wanted to be “the princess charming to a prince charming”. She knows she can love better than past partners or family and wants to share that with someone, which is exactly what she’s doing now and that is helping her heal.
Filing Charges
“With the first assault, recently I was told I don’t have enough evidence because I didn’t get a kit done, so now we are going through with a different type of case. The second one is on going and slowly but surely moving forward. I don’t think I can say much more, but what frustrates me the most is it seems you have to be assaulted multiple times and have dealt with the police side of an assault in order to take the proper action and receive the proper help. THAT HAS TO CHANGE. We aren’t taught these things in the first place, and you can’t expect a victim to know what to do right away. In my experience, even though I have had both a bad and good experience, it seems you will only be taken seriously and be helped if you act the next second and get a kit done. No one has taken me seriously at ALL for my first case. I had to have RACES get involved, and one of their advocates was calling on my behalf. The detective I talked to recently talked informed me the way I SHOULD have been from the start, then maybe something could have been done about my first case. The first detective advised me not to press charges even though I wanted to. Seriously, so much has me angry at Cook County, and just the system in general.”
Keep Moving Forward
Advice Alex gives other survivors is “Remember to Love. Depression and anxiety can suck the life out of old hobbies but find something that brings you great joy and remember the little things”. She focuses on being social and meeting people. She doesn’t want to hide away.