Serenity & Freedom

Childhood

Her first experiences with abuse were with her father and brother.  Her father was abusive to her mother. She was subjected to mostly verbal abuse as he would call her a jackass or tell her she wasn’t good enough or she couldn’t do something because she was a girl.  

High School

“So then in high school, I was really young and dated a senior who was really controlling.  He would buy my clothes, tell me how to wear my hair.”

She wasn’t allowed to wear the clothing she wanted, like her Doc Martens, or participate in hobbies she wanted like theater.  He’s throw first into doors or throw books at her. His violent outbursts scared her.  She followed him to Florida to go to college and his controlling nature became worse.  She could only drive with him or spend her free time with him.  He constantly accused her of cheating on him when he really cheated on her.

One Christmas break she decided to stay in Illinois and he stayed in Florida.  She took this chance to leave him after 6 years together.  She then transferred to Northern in Illinois.  In order to cope with her abuse, she became hypersexual.  She remembers one night at a frat house, she had been drinking quite a bit and went upstairs with one of the members.  She doesn’t remember anything past that and woke up with several naked members surrounding her.  She doesn’t remember everything that happened that night, but she’s guessing that she was raped by more than 1 member.

She bounced from relationship to relationship, following the same pattern of men as she had been conditioned to follow.  It’s been 2 years since she’s been single and it’s such a freeing feeling for her.  She’s been seeing a guy who is very healthy for her.  

After Effects

In order to cope with her trauma, she originally began using unhealthy methods to channel that pain.  She developed a sex addiction and part of that was being unable to say no to her partners out of fear or because she felt as though that was something required.  She also developed an eating disorder and was anorexic for many years.  

Eventually she began to figure out her triggers and find healthier channels.  She began to see a sex therapist and discovered that running was very helpful for her.  Some of her triggers are grocery stores.  Many times with her father, he would yell or hit her in grocery stores and that behavior rolled over to her partners.  In loud environments or environments where men are upset or drunk, that makes her feel very uncomfortable.  In those situations, she tries to find a way to leave that area.  

Nature is an important outlet for her as well, which is one of the way she decided to have her photo taken at the Morton Arboretum.  “It has become my serenity and peaceful place.  I know I’m safe when I’m outside in nature.”

Advice

“I wish I didn’t get into a relationship so quickly and was able to make healthy boundaries for myself.  I’ve figured out how to say no to people.  I”m just figuring out at 40 what type of music I like, what type of food I like.  Before, I was so afraid of men, I’d just say yes, yes, yes, over and over.  It’s ok to spend time finding yourself and create healthy relationships, even with girlfriends, and have positive outlets and hobbies.  You deserve it.  Don’t give up. We’re resilient and we’re strong women.  We can empower each other”